Etiquette in the Spanko Scene (Subscribers Only)

By French illustrator Martin van Maële

Making the leap into the spanko scene can feel intimidating, exciting, and bewildering all at once. By the time we decide to connect with the community, most of us already know how we feel about the fetish itself, but are far less experienced at bringing those fantasies to life with other people.

It takes time to align our desires with reality. Sustaining intimate connections is challenging enough on its own; adding fetishism, pain, and power play raises the stakes considerably. If you want to make friends and connect with partners in the scene, it’s essential to understand the common dos and don’ts of spanko etiquette.

12 DOs

1. DO be respectful. 

Clearly you are an upstanding citizen, dear reader. But I have seen many people tromp through the scene sporting massive egos. Some think being a “dom” is synonymous with arrogance. Others arrive carrying baggage from past negative experiences and approach the community from an aggressively defensive stance. They’re angry at the world, broadcast all the ways they’ve been wronged, then complain that no one wants to play with them. 

It should go without saying that respect is a prerequisite for connection. Spankos who view everyone with suspicion or act tough like the tops they see in porn end up repelling the very people they want to get close to. Chill, kind people gravitate toward others on similar wavelengths.

2. DO understand and honor consent. 

Consent is central to the existence of our community. People need to be able to trust they’ll get the experience they signed up for or none of us can have nice things. Most people into BDSM understand this by now, but consent violations still happen. Some stem from misunderstandings. Others do not. Predators are, unfortunately, drawn to kink spaces because they’re looking for vulnerable people to exploit. 

When you make your partner’s physical and psychological safety your priority, you also build trust within the community. You show you’re not just looking to get your needs met, but to build a two-way street that takes everyone’s well-being into account. That mindset goes a long way.

3. DO be up front about your situation, desires, and intentions. 

You don’t have to broadcast all your personal business to the community, but you do need to be honest about anything relevant to those you connect with. Shady people in the scene lie about all sorts of shit to attract partners. Some are players who claim to want a relationship, then ghost after getting what they want. Some call themselves tops when they actually want to bottom or switch. Others say “I’m a spanko!” when they’re really just looking for sex. The list goes on and on.

Truth always comes out eventually and no one likes having their time wasted, so be honest from the get-go. If you want to play casually without the pressure of commitment, say so. If you find most women are looking for spankers, but you’re a guy and want to switch or play spankee, say so. If you do, or do not, want sex to be involved in your sessions, say so. Being specific about what you’re looking for will shrink your pool of potential connections, but will also help the right people find you more easily.

4. DO get to know people gradually.

Spanko life can be lonely, which often leads to overeagerness when new connections form. Anxious attachment shows up in tops, bottoms, and switches alike. People struggling with this pattern insert new people they meet into the human-shaped fantasy where their “dream partner” lives in their head. They get so caught up in thoughts about a future relationship that they fail to see the real person in front of them.

Being on the receiving end of obsessive or premature intimacy is unsettling. Having someone you met a week ago blowing up your phone all day, acting like you’ve built intimacy that’s not actually there yet, is a red flag because it signals they’re not grounded in reality. Real, stable connections take time to cultivate. Don’t expect too much attention, energy, or vulnerability from a spanko who’s still new to you.

5. DO communicate clearly.

It’s impossible to feel secure with a spanko who won’t communicate. Whether you’re discussing relationship status or simply trying to make plans, someone who dodges conversations or leaves texts unanswered will drive you up the wall. 

Healthy kinky connections require clear, timely communication. Answer messages. Be willing to discuss logistics and feelings. If something bothers you, bring it up respectfully. If your partner wants to have a vulnerable conversation, meet them there. This can feel terrifying, but is key for building functional trust.

6. DO read profiles online. 

Spankos often connect through dating apps like Feeld or social media sites like FetLife. Some leave their online profiles blank while others write whole novellas about their background, desires, and characteristics. Whatever they’ve put there, read it and process that info prior to shooting them a message. If they specify, for instance, that sexual talk isn’t welcome and you hop into their DMs with salacious compliments, you won’t get the response you’re seeking, if you get one at all.

7. DO build friendships, not just play partnerships. 

Spankos benefit greatly from solid community ties and play partners can’t be our sole source of connection. Long-term friends, mentors, and acquaintances help us form a network we can lean on continually. They warn us about sketchy people. They support us through breakups. They teach skills and share wisdom. The stronger your network, the better your experience in the scene will be.

8. DO learn proper safety techniques.

Everyone in the scene is expected to play safely, especially tops. If you start spanking someone and they get the sense you’re careless or uninformed, they’ll be unlikely to return or recommend you to others. 

If you’re new to spanking, there’s lots of education out there to help you and your partner protect one another. Learn the “safe zone” for impact so you don’t hit too high or low. Understand why safe words matter and choose effective ones with your partner. If you’re the spankee, be ready to speak up when something goes wrong, as it’s dangerous not to vocalize boundaries. Safety is a team effort at all times.

9. DO provide excellent aftercare.

It’s typically poor form to leave someone right after a session. The highs of play can drop quickly and good partners help one another through that descent. Skipping aftercare sends the message that you were only interested in your own pleasure. Set aside time for aftercare as part of your spanking plans. If possible, stay the night so no one feels rushed or discarded.

10. DO value your play partners as people, not kink dispensers.

The term “kink dispenser” is used by tops to describe feelings of objectification. This happens when partners treat them as if they solely exist to dole out spankings. There’s no genuine friendship present, only requests to play. 

Whether you’re topping or bottoming, no one should feel used by those they spank with. Ask your partner how they’re doing and what’s happening in their life. Spend time with them outside of playtime. Grab dinner together. Share deep talks that have nothing to do with kink. When proposing a play session, check first to see that they’re up for it rather than assuming they automatically will be.

11. DO warm up your spankees.

Spankings are more enjoyable when they start with a warm-up period. If you’re doling out hard punishment spankings, you might elect to skip the warm-up, but only if this has been negotiated with your spankee. Spanking hard from the get-go with a new partner gives the impression you either can’t control yourself or have no idea what the spankee is experiencing.

This is only one reason I recommend all spankers get spanked at least once, if not occasionally. It’s easy to assume you know what you’re doing, but until you’ve been on the receiving end, that belief is little more than a theory.

12. DO protect people’s privacy.

Most people in the spanko scene aren’t fully “out.” They don’t want vanilla friends, family members, or colleagues at work knowing they spend their free time smacking bare bottoms. That means they’ll be upset if you share kinky pictures that show their face online or approach them in the grocery store yelling, “I LOVED WATCHING YOU GET SPANKED AT THAT KINKY PARTY LAST WEEKEND!”

Spanko Club is like Fight Club: you do not talk about Spanko Club! Tell others whatever you like about yourself, but when it comes to other people’s business, mum’s the word unless they’ve given express permission to yap.

12 DON'Ts

1. DON’T violate boundaries.

The golden rule! Knowingly violating another spanko’s boundaries is the worst thing you can do apart from injuring them during play. Consent violations are the main reason people get banned from events, have their reputations ruined, or end up talking to the police. 

Kinksters are encouraged to negotiate desires and boundaries in advance, either verbally or in writing, so misunderstandings about consent can be avoided. If your partner says they’re not into something you want to try, don’t do it. If you’re thinking of trying something your partner hasn’t agreed to yet, ask for permission. At spanko parties, never touch anyone without consent or get pushy about their limits. It is not worth it.

2. DON’T assert a power dynamic unless it’s wanted.

This piggybacks off the last point. Tons of self-proclaimed “doms” speak to strangers as if they have permission to top them. “Daddy’s home! And you’ve been a bad girl, young lady.” This is not consensual behavior. Being a spankee doesn’t mean someone wants to bottom for you and being a spanker doesn’t mean you’re entitled to obedience. 

Some bottoms speak to tops this way as well. “I’ve been naughty, Mommy. You should spank me.” Not acceptable either. We all love to flirt, but only when there’s resonance. Rather than hopping right into power exchange, start by building a foundation of equality and mutual respect.

3. DON’T move too fast.

Many problems could be avoided if people took more time to get to know each other before playing. This opinion may be unpopular among the party crowd, as lots of spankos jump into sessions with strangers they just met at events. I’ve done this in the past, but stopped because it sucks to later realize someone you played with is an asshole. 

Even if a spanko you’re thinking of playing with is safe, they may have goals and preferences that don’t align with yours. I recommend meeting a couple times before diving into sessions. That gives both people time to ask questions, feel out the vibe, and assess whether sharing intimacy will actually be fun.

4. DON’T make assumptions. 

We spankos have a lot in common, but differ greatly in our desires. Some want serious discipline while others just want to have fun. Some want sexual activity while others want to keep genitals out of it. Some want age play while others are repulsed by it. A spectrum of variety exists between us all.

It’s easy to convince ourselves we align with spankos we’ve just met. We get stoked on the opportunity to connect over the fetish and want to believe we’ll automatically click. None of us think exactly alike, so it’s crucial to hold space for our differences. When in doubt, ask.

5. DON’T fantasy push.

“Fantasy pushing” is the act of telling non-consenting people your fantasies about them. “I want to put you over my knee and turn that ass red.” Hey stranger, I didn’t need to know that. Nobody asked!

It’s best to assume most people would rather not hear those details until you have the green light for explicit flirting. We can compliment others and talk playfully without crossing lines into inappropriate territory.

6. DON’T ask strangers if they were spanked as kids.

There’s a huge divide in the scene between people who think this is an appropriate question and those who find it offensive. A good number of spankos want solely to focus on spanking as an adult sexual desire. Some have past trauma they’d rather not discuss and others are simply grossed out by requests to discuss children—even imaginary ones or the child version of themselves—in the same context as their fetish.

If someone wants to share their past, they will on their own terms. Don’t bring this up as an icebreaker and NEVER use it as a form of dirty talk. (Ew.)

7. DON’T trauma dump. 

Lots of spankos have past trauma or pick up new trauma while playing in the scene. When we’re in the middle of suffering, some look to other spankos for help processing their pain. They talk about what hurt them, often over and over, in hopes of feeling seen and having their feelings validated. 

While it’s fine to seek support from those close to us, it’s not great to unload our pain onto people we barely know. This is called “trauma dumping” and can repel spankos who don’t wish to play the role of therapist. It can also be risky, as predators target people who seem vulnerable. If you genuinely need mental health support, it’s best to seek help from professionals.

8. DON’T enable consent violators. 

Respectful spankos can make lots of friends, but what if one of those friends gets accused of crossing boundaries? This is a tough spot to be in, and though false accusations and exaggerations occur, legitimate violations are far more common. 

If a friend or partner crosses boundaries and you keep hanging with them, that sends the message that you’re unsafe too. It implies you’re fine with people being hurt or even willing to do so yourself, even if neither of those are true. Never tolerate sketchy behavior and stay away from predators at all costs.

9. DON’T confuse fantasy with reality.

You can explore all kinds of salacious fantasies in the spanko scene, even taboo or extreme ones involving grand power imbalances. At the end of the day, you’re engaging in consensual activity between sane, equally powerful adults with full agency over their own choices and the right to stop anytime. Anything else is abuse.

Unstable people in the scene are unwilling or unable to compartmentalize their fantasies in a “container” of safety. They convince themselves they truly are some dominant god in control or a submissive person who needs others to make decisions for them. I’ve seen this type of delusional thinking land people in prison. (That’s not an exaggeration.) Stay grounded.

10. DON’T interrupt other people’s sessions. 

At a spanking party, you’ll see people engaged in play, having the type of fun you’re looking to share with others. You might be tempted to speak with the participants or comment alongside other onlookers, but such behavior ain’t kosher. 

Spankos in the middle of sessions are in the zone. They’re having a vulnerable experience in a focused head space and won’t want distractions or interruptions. This applies to the period after they finish as well. Wait to approach people until they’re clearly open to talking with others.

11. DON’T tell spankers to spank harder. 

“Spank her harder!” is the war cry of clueness, porn-addicted douchebags lacking real-world experience. They see a photo of a butt that’s not red enough for their liking and feel compelled to let everyone know it. They intrude to bless everyone with almighty wisdom no one asked for. “You should do it like THIS.” 

Acting this way gets people shunned because it’s ignorant and rude. Experienced kinksters know bruises, marks, and redness aren’t evidence of hard play with a spankee who plays often. Beyond that, there are spankos who would rather keep scenes softcore and nothing is wrong with that. The only legitimate reason to tell a spanker how to handle their business is if you witness them doing something unsafe. 

12. DON’T assume anyone owes you anything. 

During your time in the scene, you’ll see spankos having fun with partners, making friends, attending events, and falling madly in love. This can be tough to witness if you’re new to the community, going through a lonely period, or having trouble finding partners. “When’s it gonna be my turn?”

It’s natural to feel this way when we’re going through a rough patch, but none of us are entitled to any specific experience. We’re not owed play partners. We’re not owed sessions with specific people. We’re not owed attention, validation, or approval. These joyful things are earned over time, just like trust and respect, and can be lost just as easily.

The good news is that following these tips will put you ahead of the curve. Ethical, etiquette-minded spankos are drawn to one another and those connections are well worth the wait. 

-T