Smart Aftercare Tips for Spanking Fetishists (Subscribers Only)

The marvelous Art of Erotic Spanking isn’t just about the delicious anticipation we feel before sessions or the fun we have as they unfold. To create spanko memories we can look back upon with fondness, we must also consider how to handle our kinky, intimate connections once the spanking is over. At this stage, aftercare is our most valuable tool.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is the process of providing emotional, mental, and physical support to our partners after kinky sessions. When handled well, aftercare creates a comfortable sense of closure, allowing partners to move forward from a place of wholeness. Unprocessed feelings or worries about our partner’s words, intentions, or actions during play can cause fractures in these relationships. Processing our experiences together reinforces trust and helps us understand each other better, even when no problems are present, strengthening the overall bond. 

During spanking sessions, we and our partners take a shared vacation to the land of fantasy. Playtime can have considerable impacts on the bodies and minds of both people. The spankee’s physiological responses are often pushed to their limit, resulting in a surge of adrenaline and endorphins. Prolonged physical stress (even SEXY stress) produces the hormone cortisol, which temporarily suppresses the immune system. This rush of chemicals subsides as play ends, causing an uncomfortable “drop” from the high we’ve created. While aftercare won’t prevent drop entirely, it can help us avoid feelings of extreme dysregulation. 

People can experience a variety of possible states after a spanking session. We may feel heady euphoria, anxiety, or distress. We may feel needy, agitated, disconnected from our partner, or caught in the confusion of conflicting emotions. We may feel cold, weak, nauseous, or unable to focus. It’s important to move out of these states before we venture back out into the world where we're expected to function properly. Aftercare gives us a chance to guide each other back to our baseline through emotional co-regulation. We’re aiming for a smooth and comfortable (rather than jarring or abrupt) transition back to reality.

Who is aftercare for?

Aftercare is for spankees and spankers alike; while the spanker isn’t usually pushed to their physical limits like the spankee, they can be hit with similar levels of emotional intensity or complex thoughts that need to be processed. We all have unique needs when it comes to aftercare and these can depend on the nature of the dynamic. You may, for instance, handle aftercare differently with a committed long-term partner than you would with someone you’re still getting to know. 

NOT providing aftercare is extremely bad form in the kink community. You can’t ethically engage in power exchange and then walk out on your partner without working to provide a secure sense of closure. Leaving a spanko in need of support after a session is selfish unless they’ve explicitly expressed that they do not desire aftercare.  

While it takes "emotional labor" to handle this well, many kinksters consider aftercare to be their favorite stage of the ritual. The tips below are written specifically for spankos. Aftercare may require different measures in the context of other kinky and/or sexual activities.

Tips for Post-Spanking Aftercare 

The following strategies have worked well for me throughout my kinky journey. Adopt those that work for you too!

Set aside time for aftercare when you make plans.

We’re all busy these days and you likely have a long-ass to-do list like the rest of us. You may think, “I’ll save time by spanking my play partner on my lunch break, then go back to work feeling chuffed.” I don't recommend this. Leaving a spanking session in a hurry often means cutting aftercare short. When this happens, you’re essentially telling your partner, “I made time to spank your butt, but not to make sure you’re happy about it afterward.” This can leave people feeling used or unimportant. Far better to factor time for aftercare into your plans.

Communicate your needs to your partner.

The ability to self-advocate is necessary in BDSM, especially considering that we can’t always predict how we’ll be affected by a session. If you want or need something specific from your partner after play, tell them. (And if they’re not open to hearing you, that’s a red flag.) Personally, I want to cuddle, relax, and chat after a long spanking session. Your explanation to your partner can be that simple or more in-depth.

If the floaty feeling is there, protect it. 

Many bottoms experience ‘subspace’—a floaty high created by the endorphins released during play—while some tops experience ‘domspace’, which is more akin to a focused flow state. One of my favorite parts of aftercare as a spankee is having a chance to marinate deeply in my floaty feelings. Noise and negative energy pull me out of those sensations instantly. If you and your play partner get floaty, aim to maintain that chill vibe for a while. 

Let go of the power imbalance and your associated roles.

If the goal of aftercare is to return to our status quo with our partners, that entails returning to a mutual state of equality. As a bottom, I’ve had the best time with tops who can flip off the domination thing like a light switch when play is done. Likewise, when I top, I have the best time with bottoms who are emotionally self-sufficient outside of play. Your mileage may vary on those specific points, but generally it’s best to have a clear separation between when play is happening and when it’s not. 

Prepare a comfortable space to relax and recharge.

Spanking sessions require considerable energy and having a comfy bed or sofa to lay on afterward is clutch. If you’re spanking in the car or out in nature somewhere, it may take time to get back to a place where you can both rest. Have a spot prepared where you can collapse together when the time comes. 

Share comforting physical contact.

Right after a spanking is finished, most people want to cuddle or at least share some pleasant butt rubs. Affectionate physical contact brings comfort and releases oxytocin, the hormone that bonds us intimately. If there’s one item on this list that takes the aftercare cake, this is it. 

Consider giving a massage.

During sessions, the spankee is likely to tense up, fortifying themselves to receive repeated impact. Massaging their muscles afterward can help relieve this tension so they can fully decompress. Tops tend to love massages too. (Who doesn’t?!)

Have some slow sex, if that’s part of your dynamic. 

Many spankos I know prefer to keep sex entirely separate from kink, so it’s best not to assume it's on the table during aftercare. If that’s not the case for you, however, and you have a sexual relationship with your partner, aftercare can be a great time to share that kind of pleasure. Some spankos engage in sex from the mind state of their roles to extend their kinky sessions. Others prefer to have slow, affectionate sex that doesn’t revolve around domination or submission, allowing them to bond outside of their roles. Either way, orgasms boost our mood, help us relax, and reinforce intimacy—three major goals of aftercare.

Do some skincare on the spankee.

By the end of a heavy spanking session, the receiver may have sustained booty abrasions that need to be cleaned and bandaged. They may also appreciate an ice pack for their swollen hiney and thighs. Even following milder sessions, it’s prudent to rub the spankee’s sore bottom with lotion or arnica, an herbal remedy designed to relieve muscle soreness, stiffness, and pain. Skin that’s not properly cared for can become thinner and more fragile over time, resulting in easy rupture. Supple, moisturized skin is less likely to break during future spankings. 

Replenish the body with food and drink. 

Spankees often experience a drop in blood sugar during play. They can also become dehydrated while gasping, moaning, and breathing heavily. Having snacks, water, Gatorade, or other drinks on hand enables both participants to replenish themselves and avoid symptoms like weakness or dizziness. 

Cover the spankee with layers. 

Typically, the body temperature of a spankee will rise during play and rapidly cool off afterward. They may not be able to regulate their internal temperature until their body has returned to its physiological baseline. Spankers can help by covering their partner’s body with a blanket or comfy clothing during this time. 

Get clean together. 

Sweat, lube, saliva, cum, and other bodily fluids can make an appearance during playtime. Showering or bathing together gives partners an opportunity to pamper each other and get squeaky clean, resulting in deeper relaxation afterward. Why not turn your bathroom into a private spa? Candles, soft music, and aromatic soap can create lovely, luxurious vibes. 

Watch something funny on the telly. 

As you snuggle, you and your partner may want to watch a show or movie that allows you to shut your brains off. Consider putting on a funny, lighthearted program you’ve both seen before. Laughing together will generate more of the positive, comforting energy we’re aiming for during aftercare.    

Have a chill chat.

Some people prefer to discuss how their spanking session went right after wrapping up. If that works for you both, go ham, especially if something happened that you feel a strong need to address, like misunderstandings about consent. I personally prefer to take time to process sessions alone in the days following a spanking and bring up any reflections I have to my partner once we’re both feeling less vulnerable. Keeping post-spanking conversations light can amplify positive feelings of closeness and relaxation.

Verbalize praise, forgiveness, and words of affirmation.

A spankee may seek emotional reassurance after a session and crave to hear they’ve done well from their partner. If they’ve just been punished for wrongdoing, they may also want to hear that all is forgiven and the slate has been wiped clean. Spankers, on the other hand, can experience guilt or shame after sessions, especially more intense ones, and desire words of gratitude or affirmation from their partner so they can rest easy in the knowledge that they created an enjoyable experience. These emotional gestures remind both partners that they are valued and their feelings matter to one another.   

Sleep.

Spanking, while incredible, is often exhausting too. Catching some Zs together can help both partners repair and rebalance their bodies and minds. Some spankos are fine with a quick nap while others need a whole night’s sleep. Either way, it’s good to anticipate the need for rest. The post-spanking period is not the best time pull an all-nighter or work a double shift.

If your partner wants space, give it.

There are spankos who need time to process their feelings by themselves after sessions in order to find their equilibrium. If your partner expresses this need, give them time to be alone once you’re done cuddling and snoozing. Don’t blow up their phone with calls or ask for heaps of attention until they’re back to baseline and ready to hang again. If the connection is healthy and enjoyable on both ends, they’ll be back sooner than later. 

Don’t make the spankee drive right after a session.

I tend to feel very high after a getting spanked and I'm certainly not alone. This is not a state in which anyone should drive, operate heavy machinery, or handle sharp objects. If you're the spanker and your partner needs to leave, drive them or help them arrange to get a ride. (They should be fine once enough time has passed, especially after they’ve gotten some sleep.)

Check in over the next few days.

Drop can hit us hours or even days after a session has ended, especially while we’re by ourselves. The spankee may be covered in painful bruises from their partner and feel lonely or emotionally fragile as they heal. Spankers can also experience post-play loneliness, doubt themselves, or even feel like a bad person for causing physical pain, even if that pain was wanted. Rather than suffering in silence, text your partner over the days following your session. Ask how they’re doing. Tell them when you’re feeling droppy. Let them know if there’s something you want to talk about. If they care about you, which should definitely be the case, they’ll be happy to help you feel better. (The exception here is if they’ve specifically asked you for space.)

Leave some time between hard sessions. 

While some spankos have the bandwidth to play hard every day, most of us need time to decompress between intense sessions. Give yourselves time to heal, reflect, talk through any issues, and spend time in your respective vanilla worlds. This will make your spanking sessions all the more special once you’re both ready to play again. 

Drop isn’t always avoidable, but if you follow some or all of these tips, you’ll be more likely to maintain a great connection with your partner, walk away from sessions with lovely memories, and share the mutual desire to play again. In my world, nothing beats an evening of spanks, snuggles, and snoozing. That's the absolute tits.

-T