Why Spanking Fetishists Need Community

From the Marquis de Sade novel Justine, or The Misfortunes of Virtue

When I was younger and still in the kink closet, I wanted so badly to meet other spankos—not just for potential playtime, but for friendship too. I had kinky people around me, but none who felt the way I did about spanking in particular.

I’m happy to say that dream came true once I got brave enough to own my fetish fully. These days, I’m lucky to have plenty of lovely spanko connections, which has improved my life considerably. I feel cozier, more optimistic, and better understood in a world that rarely seeks to see our truth.

My vanilla friends are aware of this spanko side of my social life, but don’t quite seem to get why it matters to me so much. Perhaps they think I’m hypersexual or promiscuous, but it’s really about community. Spanking fetishists need other spankos to talk with for reasons that might not be clear from the outside.

We need people who help us feel sane.

Many of us grew up thinking we were the only person in the world who thought obsessively about spanking—not just as a foreplay activity, but the nucleus of our sexual orientation. While spanking is a popular kink, the fetish is relatively rare, making it difficult to connect with like minds. This psychological isolation can breed shame, anxiety, and loneliness, particularly during our formative years. “I don’t know anyone who thinks like me. Something is wrong with me. I’m a weirdo.”

Connecting with the spanko community can alleviate and eventually rewire those distorted thoughts. We realize we're not alone and there’s nothing particularly strange about what we like when we’re with people who feel the same way. We don’t have to worry about being carted off to a madhouse or becoming the butt 🍑 of some vanilla person’s joke. It’s nice to feel “normal” once in a while. 

We need people we can talk with openly.

Spankos think about spanking daily, and not just when we’re aroused. It crosses our minds when we see an old countryside woodshed or peruse the wooden spoons in the kitchenware aisle. We think about characters in movies who should have been spanked or dream about celebrities we’d like to be spanked by. We reflect on all the ways spanking shapes our relationships and ponder how to find great people to play with. 

Most people without this fetish aren’t interested in these thoughts and may even feel uncomfortable when we share them transparently. We don’t want to make anyone uneasy, but we still want to express ourselves with people who understand. Our community gives us that slice-of-life outlet. We can giggle over spicy threats, share pictures we took while playing, or say random things like, “We should make crop circles of pink bare bottoms so our spanko alien counterparts know where to find us,” and our peers will nod and concur. “Absolutely.”

We need people to learn from.

While the Illustrious Art of Spanking comes instinctively to spankos, no one enters this world knowing everything. We might not realize hitting too high can damage the kidneys or tailbone, or that proper aftercare can make the difference between a great session and a terrible one. We might not know that not all bottoms enjoy submitting, or that not all tops are interested in dominating others. Spanking is a nuanced interest under the already nuanced BDSM umbrella. Nothing here is black and white. There are… dare I say it… shades of grey?

By engaging with the community, we learn safety techniques, get feedback, ask questions, and discover potential issues we didn’t even know existed. Open-minded spankos who want to grow can find guidance instead of nervously winging it during sessions.

We need people to express ourselves with. 

Because fetishes blossom from the realm of fantasy, many of us get deeply creative in our relationship to spanking. Our passion for play is one we yearn to express to those who appreciate hot behinds and firm hands as much as we do. It drives us to make art, write stories, take photos—all to express the thrill we derive from our primal-yet-refined proclivities. 

As beautiful as those expressions are, we don’t want to share them with people who’d rather not see. Spanking can be an understandably triggering topic and ethical creators aren’t looking to violate anyone's boundaries. We seek audiences who are delighted to peer into our minds. The spanko community is happy to witness what its members are sinking their teeth into. 

We need people who help us stay safe. 

Finding great partners to spank with regularly isn’t as easy as it sounds. A lot of folks in the scene haven’t yet gone through the ego death needed to be truly present and empathetic in intimate connections. Think “abusive domly doms” who top to compensate for their insecurities or codependent subs desperate for someone to save them. Playing with people who haven’t yet healed the hole in their soul—who use partners as Band-Aids for ego wounds or distractions from the void of existential terror—will eventually fuck with your peace. 

In the spanko community, we warn each other about those who harm and exploit others. Consent violators are put on blast so others can avoid them. This is necessary to protect everyone from behavior that leaves people injured and traumatized. Nothing could be more important. 

Long story short, we spankos need community to thrive in this risky, rewarding, unconventional lifestyle. This isn’t just about the spanks and sparkly orgasms. It’s about resonance, support, and authentic human connection. 

-T