When we daydream about finding new spanking partners to play with, we want it to be easy. We want our perfectly compatible spanko soulmate to pop up out of nowhere like that masked serial killer in Scream. Boo!

(Okay, maybe not quite like that.) 

My point is that finding great spanking partners is not easy, which I imagine I don’t need to tell you. This is especially true if you’re set on linking up with people whose minds are “hardwired” with the fetish. There are lots of kinky folks in the world, but relatively few who share this specific obsession at such a deep level. Our pool is small. 

I have never randomly met another spanko out in the wild. I had to search with intention and be deliberate about fostering each of those connections. Some people get extremely lucky and meet spankos by chance, but that’s a rare gift. A strategy is helpful in this quest. I present you with 12 reliable avenues for meeting Our People, most of which I’ve tried myself.

1. Mutual spanko friends 

Out of every option on this list, this first one is the best. Ideally, any spanko friends you make will eventually be willing to introduce you to their spanko friends. This opens up lots of possibilities to make connections with pre-vetted, butt-focused kinksters like yourself. This heightens your chances of meeting safe people. 

Members of tight-knit groups like these tend to share similar values, which is great if theirs happen to align with yours. It’s not great, however, to stumble across an entire group of creeps. If you’re introduced to a group whose members say things like, “People make too big of a deal about consent 🤪,” turn right back around and hightail it out of there in a jiffy. By contrast, if the group seems to be down-to-earth, ethical, respectful, and focused on co-creating fun together, that’s a big green flag.

2. Dating apps

I’ve had success meeting spankos in the past on Feeld, a phone-only dating app created for non-monogamous and/or kinky users. You get a fair amount of room to write a decent profile bio. Be honest about what you’re looking for and you may just strike gold. “I’m looking for spanking partners too!” Music to our ears.

I’ve tried other apps like Hinge and OKCupid, but didn’t like them as much. They’re not marketed specifically to kinky people, so while you can get lucky, you’re more likely to waste a lot of time sifting through vanilla people. (Nothing wrong with the vanillas! They’re perfectly lovely, but unlikely to share our goals and proclivities.) 

If you do try vanilla dating apps, be aware that many limit sexual content in profile bios. If you write, “I love SPANKING,” they’ll likely flag your account and tell you to make edits. You can get around this by including subtle spanko dog whistles like, “I’m a big OTK fan. Big paddler too!” The right people will know exactly what that means.  

3. Social media

I met most of my past spanking partners through FetLife, the social media mega-site for lovers of BDSM. FetLife has a sizable spanko community and it’s easy to make friends there. You can post pictures and spanko thoughts, create polls, DM other kinksters, join groups for people with specific fetishes. All that jazz.

A big issue with FetLife is that it’s designed for ALL kinks and fetishes, not just spanking. This is very sex positive, but not so great if you’d rather avoid seeing other people engage in activities like anal fisting or cock torture. If you stick to making spanko friends there, spanking is what you’ll see, for the most part, but stuff you’re not into will slip into your feed. Alas, we spankos there often wish we could have a version of FetLife solely for us. Maybe one day some spank-loving programmer will create this mighty gift.  

The other big issue with FetLife is the abundance of creeps who cross boundaries, lack social decorum, and generally act like dickheads. You’ll encounter bottom-of-the-barrel behavior on any social media site, but it’s dialed up to 11 on FetLife and this causes many users to quit the site eventually. Thankfully if anyone there rubs you the wrong way, you can easily block them, flicking them out of your world like the annoying bugs they are. I block early and often. Highly recommend it!

4. Munches

A munch is a casual gathering for kinky folks held in a vanilla setting, like a cafe or pub. Needless to say, playtime isn’t on the table at these events. You just show up, chat, and swap contact info with people you’d like to hang with one-on-one later. Munches provide a pressure-free forum for meeting lovers of BDSM in person without the expectation of spanking right there and then. Many munches even have specific themes, like leather or hypnosis. Find one for spankos and eureka! You will find Our People.

As someone who used to host munches, I find they’re pretty hit or miss. You never know who will show up and the vibe can be awkward. That said, this hinges heavily on the host and their attitude, along with the social skills of those who attend. A lively munch host can do a great job of bringing people together and getting good conversations going. Shop around your local kink scene and find the fun folks. 

5. Play parties 

This is where the SPANKINGS (among other things) happen. Even if you show up to these events solo, you’ll have opportunities to meet like-minded people who share your interest in kink. People chat a lot between sessions at play parties and are usually open to making new friends there. Big national spanking parties of note in the U.S. include Oasis, the Texas All-State Spanking Party (TASSP), the Lone Star Spanking Party, and the Spanking Club of New York (SCONY). 

Fair warning: some play parties cater to a variety of kinky practices. You might see people having sex or getting whipped extremely hard, which isn’t everyone’s cup o’ tea. If you attend a play party specifically for spankos, you may not see any of those things, so search within our lil’ niche if that’s important to you. 

6. Kink clubs

I live in the Bay Area and we apparently have BDSM-themed night clubs here. I have yet to check them out, but Power Exchange and The Cat Club are two well-known examples. These places feature live performances, safe-sex supplies, areas and furniture for playtime, and staff walking around to ensure everyone’s being respectful. Perhaps these kinds of clubs exist in your area too!

Safety-minded kink clubs (and public play parties in general) have a number of rules in place to help keep the experience positive. You probably won’t be allowed to walk around with your phone out, as no one wants photos of sexy moments accidentally ending up on the internet. Touching anyone without explicit permission is also prohibited. You may be asked to use condoms during penetrative sex, even with your long-term partner, so little spermies don’t run loose around the club causing havoc. It’s also considered bad form to chat loudly, laugh, and make comments while other people are playing nearby. (I’ve done that last one in the past and felt like a dick! Learn from my inconsiderate mistake.)

7. Kink classes

Instructors within your local kink scene may offer classes where you can learn BDSM-related skills like rope bondage or needle play. There are spanking classes as well. These events are great if you’ve already got a play partner to practice with, but can also be fun to attend solo. Often, these events have at least one or two tops on staff who are willing to pair up with anyone without a partner. They may even offer to spank you, just for the fun of it!

There’s something really cool about learning a sexy new skill alongside others who are there to do the same. It’s a focused atmosphere, but also erotic and designed to be fun. Have a chat with some of the other attendees and see whether your interests align with theirs. You’re likely to end up with new connections, some of which can lead to play partnerships. 

8. Kink conventions

It may sound crazy, but there are dozens of large conference-style conventions for kinksters happening annually around the world, often hosted at hotels. Most feature workshops, demos, panel discussions, play parties, performances, and opportunities to socialize. These events are all a bit different, but are likely to include lots of spanking and sexy costumes. Popular conventions in the U.S. include Dark Odyssey, DomCon, and KinkFest. 

I’ve never been to a kink convention so I can’t tell you much except that I hear they’re lots of fun. You’ll absolutely meet new people there and possibly connect with some from your area. Together, you can head home and keep practicing what you’ve learned. 

9. Personal ads

“Sincere, respectful man seeks willing bottom to spank.” It may sound cheesy, but personal ads can indeed work. I’ve posted a couple on FetLife myself in the past. You can also head to Reddit and hit up r/BDSMpersonals, where people from around the world post what they’re looking for in hopes of finding the right partner(s). 

While writing your personal ad, talk a bit about yourself, what you’re looking for, and anything else prospective spanking partners should know about you. Are you just looking for spanking sessions or a full-blown romantic relationship? Are you okay with sexual activity being involved? Can you host at your place, or do you need partners who can host you? Are you into things like ageplay, D/s, and discipline? All spankos are unique and getting specific about these details will raise your chances of finding compatible partners.  

10. Pro matchmakers

Hiring a professional matchmaker isn’t cheap, but can be worth it if you’re searching for a long-term relationship with someone who loves spanking. Tailor Matched, for example, is a bespoke dating agency that connects singles based on compatibility both inside and outside the bedroom. Their team interviews clients in depth to find out what they’re looking for and then makes introductions between compatible members seeking committed monogamy. This can save you hours of time, as matchmaking agencies handle the work of searching for you and only present you with people who want the same things you do.

This probably isn’t the right avenue if you’re just looking for a casual spanking partner, but can be great for spankos in search of marriage and/or long-term commitment.   

11. Self-expressive media

This little blog o’ mine has helped me make connections with other spankos around the world. I believe this is the case for all spanking bloggers, artists, authors, and anyone else creating content in this niche. I wouldn’t start a spanking blog solely to attract partners, as it’s an intensive labor of love that requires time and effort to sustain, but making new friends is definitely the biggest perk. 

Expressing your feelings about spanking through writing or artwork communicates a lot about you to others. People will be able to get a sense of your values, ethics, desires, and sense of humor from afar. Those who resonate with you may reach out. If you’re seeking people to play with who vibe with you intellectually, this can be a great way to bring them into your orbit.

12. Conversations in the wild

I know I said at the beginning of this post that I’ve never met another spanko randomly. This is the truth, but I do know people who have managed to do so by opening up to others about their desires. Talking about your fetish in appropriate settings, like at a pub over drinks with someone you suspect might be into spanking too, can open doors to greater intimacy when you least expect it. 

Respect, consideration, and a classy approach to these conversations goes a long way. We always have to be cautious about discussing our fetishes around people who may not want to hear about all this kinky stuff. But there are a lot of open-minded folks out there and some may be harboring the very same secret. “I love spanking too!” You never know, friend! Crazier things have happened and will continue to. 

That’s the list! You’re now armed with fresh inspiration that hopefully will lead to lots of fun for you and any new partners you get to spank with in the future. Wishing you lots of luck in your search!

-T