Spank Smarter: 12 Questions to Learn What Your Partner Really Likes (Subscribers Only)

Illustration by Georges Topfer

When spanking butts is your idea of a good time, you have to learn how each of your partners likes it. Everyone’s different! Some spankees want hard punishments accompanied by lecturing and admonishment. Others want long, sensual spankings they can relax and zone out to. Our preferences are as unique as our personalities and you won’t know what you’re dealing with until you investigate your partner’s mind. 

As a top, your desires also influence the equation. There are spankees in the world who want experiences you may not wish to provide. Finding out how they want to be spanked can help you assess your compatibility level. A lasting partnership is one that’s consistently fun for both participants. Give your spankee what they want (at least some of the time) and they’ll be putty in your hands. 

It’s not always easy to tell what a spankee wants. People are often too shy to be direct about these things. Newbies to the scene may not have figured out their preferences yet. Additionally, they may want to avoid “topping from the bottom,” assuming you’ll want to take the lead or would even feel threatened by their input. 

While learning what a spankee likes, it helps to ask targeted questions that provide peeks into their mindset. You don’t have to grill them like a detective in an interrogation room. Be suave! Uncover the details bit by bit as you get to know each other. Your partner will be imagining all the spanky possibilities as you do. 

1. “Why do you like getting spanked?”   

Finding out the ‘why’ will guide you to the ‘how’. If they say, “I like feeling naughty,” you’ll know they’re into discipline. If they like it for the intimacy, you’ll know they’re seeking emotional closeness. If they say it helps them relax, you can aim to create a calming headspace. They might also crave intensity or find comfort in relinquishing control. Let them tell you all their reasons so you can orient your approach accordingly. 

2. “What are your fantasies like?”

What we like in real life can differ greatly from our fantasies, but the stories your spankee’s mind conjures can clue you in on how they want to feel. They may have fantasies involving age regression, for instance, meaning they want to feel small or powerless. They may fantasize about a boss or other authority figure, providing you with roleplay ideas. They may want to try certain scenarios or positions. See if they’re willing to tell you the details of their kinky head movies. 

3. “How long do you like to get spanked for?”

People can vary a lot in terms of how long they want their sessions to last. I’ve known spankos who wanted to play hard for five or ten minutes. I like getting spanked for at least an hour, when possible, with little breaks between long strings of smacks. Ask your spankee if they have a desired timeframe in mind. 

4. “How hard do you like to play?”

Some spankees want a beating that results in bruises while others prefer gentler play. Get a sense of their pain tolerance and whether they’re okay with you bringing out the big guns. If you’re ever planning to spank them hard without a warm-up, make sure they like that idea before diving in. You don’t want to freak them out or have them branding you a sociopath. 

5. “Are you submissive or more of a brat?”

Submissives like following orders and being told what to do. Brats will talk shit and resist, daring you to “make” them. This may affect your compatibility. I’ve known spankers who hated subs, spankers who hated brats, and spankers who loved both. These labels are more about attitude than fixed characteristics. We can be bratty at certain times and submissive at others, but most people gravitate toward one side of the coin. 

6. “Are you into discipline?”

Discipline is popular in the BDSM world, at least as a concept. I’d wager most spankos fantasize about control, punishment, and reward. Many of us want rules and rituals within our partnerships, but this isn’t the case for everyone. Some spankos would rather enjoy lighthearted play or the sensual aspects of the act without all the seriousness of disciplinary protocol. 

7. “Do you like roleplay?”

It can be a lot of fun to pretend we’re other people. Some spankos are natural performers and love the silliness or intensity of roleplay scenes. Ask your partner if roleplay is their thing and if so, which roles interest them. You might just be the pretend-boss or stern headmaster of their dreams. Acting is not for everyone, but can add rich layers of context to our sessions. 

8. “Sex or no sex?”

Sex and spanking go hand in hand for many spankos. Others prefer to keep them separate, approaching them from different states of mind. Sex tends to be riskier than spanking, so we can’t assume our partners will be down for both. Find out where the line is for your partner and express your own boundaries so you can both explore comfortably. 

9. “What safeword(s) do you use?”

It’s smart to have a word or signal spankees can use to convey, “That’s enough! Can’t handle any more!” I’ve known people who don’t use safewords, however; they prefer to give the spanker full control. Clarify this with your partner. You never want to take things too far, so urge them to tell you when they reach their limit.    

10. “What are your favorite implements?”

Every spanking implement creates a certain sensation and we all have ones we like best. Does your partner enjoy belts, paddles, hairbrushes, canes, or all of the above? Do they prefer wood or leather? How about lexan? By learning what they like, you can also learn what they hate. Then you can pull out their least favorite toys when it’s time to be a big ol’ meanie. How could you?!

11. “What positions do you like?”          

Positioning greatly affects a spankee’s experience. Most prefer to be Over The Knee (OTK), at least at first, but many options are available. They can lie comfortably on their stomach or be made to hold uncomfortable or embarrassing positions. Find out what they like, and again, what they hate. Fill your arsenal with dastardly tricks. (Mwahaha.)

12. “What’s on your spanko bucket list?”

Every spanko has a mental list of things they’d like to try in relation to their fetish. Perhaps they want to be spanked in front of your (consenting) vanilla friends. Maybe they want to be spanked in a certain location, like abandoned forest ruins or their private office at work. Maybe they want to try a spanking bench or machine. See if they mention any items from their list you could potentially tick off together. 

Learning your partner’s preferences will empower you to create transcendent experiences and joyful memories. With respectful and flirtatious communication, you can be the kind of spanker your partner won’t shut the fuck up about while they’re spilling tea to their friends over brunch. 

“He’s so dreamy, he spanks me so hard, oh my gawwwd…”

Fully obsessed. ✅

-T