Am I the only one feeling blasé about roleplay these days? Like, it’s fun, but I can only do the teacher/schoolgirl, cop/convict, doctor/patient thing so many times before the magic gets stale.

We’re far more creative than this, spankos. I say we widen our repertoire. If you, like me, are a very strange person, please consider these alternatives.

1. Annoyed human / irksome insect

“She’d never hurt a fly!” Oh, but I would, laddie. Who hasn’t reached unreasonable levels of exasperation due to rude bugs buzzing in their face? I will spank the living daylights out of those tiny fuckers. Grab a fly swatter, dress your spankee in wings and antennae, and chase them around your abode like a deranged maniac.

I had three glasses of wine and made art for you. You're welcome.

2. Jesus / creeped-out heretic

Long ago, someone convinced the Christians that spanking their tiny terrified kids is some godly act of love rather than creepy child abuse. (I’m firmly on team Jillian Keenan. Spanking is sexual and using it to punish children is heeby-jeeby gross. Yeeeuck.)

Naturally, there’s some twisted shit out there about Jesus spanking naughty sinners. The demonic corner of my soul yearns to go over the lap of the son of god and get my butt blistered while he recites Bible verses about things like divine punishment and smiting non-believers. Mmm, so pure yet filthy all at once.

“I hate being spanked by Jesus. There's less wind resistance due to the holes in his hands.”

Well done, Reddit.

3. Old man with a bird feeder / squirrel

There is a time-honored beef between adorable tree rats and crotchety old men. Slip a squirrel tail plug up your spank-needy bum and surprise your dom in the yard by gorging yourself on their premium seed ‘til they fly into a fury and attack your fluffy fanny. It’s kinda like pet play, but peculiar and feral.

Bonus points if you manage to freak out the neighbors.

4. Capitol rioter / sane American

All I could think while watching those bleating treasonous dipwads on January 6th was, “Whell! Someone needs a fucking spanking!” Get thee a dom who cares enough for your sanity to toss you OTK and swat the QAnon out of your conspiracy-laden heart. That’s true love right there.

Think the painted tattooed shaman would lend me his horny fur headdress?

5. Fed-up mermaid / greedy fisherman

Overfishing is a serious issue and the mermaids are tired of us eating all their friends. Also, wtf is all this plastic pollution sullying their splendid undersea real estate? BAD human! NO sushi for you. Bend over the side of your boat and take your licks from the siren’s tail.

I hope you have found this post inspiring. What other creative roles can you come up with, spanko friends?

-T