In Praise of the Peach: Inside the Sacred World of Spanko Butt Worship
- Sweet Tea
- 13 hours ago
- 4 min read
Some people worship Jesus in their day-to-day lives. Spanking fetishists, however, are more likely to aim their devotion at the sacred curves of a begging backside.
The art of erotic spanking is a timeless form of butt worship. This practice goes far deeper than the smacky-smacky sting we adore; a central theme is the plump target of our affections, and WHAT a target it is. As a dedicated member of The Order of the Rosy Glow for the Devoutly Disciplined, I’m here to bare witness (heh) to the theology behind our praise of the peach.
A Church for Warming the Cheeks
Few things in this world move a spanko more than the sight of a smacked bottom. The collective joy and enchantment we feel in service to the Holy Hiney lie at the heart of our spiritual movement.
We smack and squeeze bottoms. Hug, jiggle, and caress them. In public, we steal reverent glances when the owner of a raucous derrière walks by. At spanko church, our conversations always circle back to bottoms eventually. We convene to quote the Gospel of the Glutes and the Book of Posterior Proverbs—the sacred texts.
Sing, O faithful, to the glory of the derriere!
Let the sway of the supple rump guide our hearts.
From the crown of the cushion to the apex of the arch,
May all smacks be joyous, all jiggling righteous.
Glory be to the glute, now and always!
Amen.
—Psalm 7:14 of the Devoutly Disciplined
Holy relics play a role in our rituals as well, as is tradition in ancient religions. We have our paddles. Hairbrushes. Belts, canes, and spoons. Worshippers come ready to honor and obey the commandments: Thou shalt not spank too high or low. Thou shalt respect the thickness.
Why Bottoms Inspire Awe
The human soul yearns for soft, smooshy roundness. Recent studies in Bottomology suggest the curve and symmetry of our glutes directly correlate with emotional enlightenment. Our spanko obsession leads us to celebrate the entire spectrum of human shapes, jiggles, and dimples with copious airs of body positivity. All bottoms are beautiful!
Spankings give us even more reason to revere the rumps we paint pink. Who could resist the sacred clap of palm to cheek, the rippling bounce of voluptuous chub, or the elegant glow that ensues? Having bare bottoms over our laps gives us ample time and opportunity to study the Divine’s finest design.
Our Unfading Fixation on Fannies
Artists and historians have paid homage to bare bottoms since time immemorial. One need only take a light stroll through a museum to understand how captivated humans are by their backsides. Diego Velázquez’s Rokeby Venus, on display at The National Gallery in London, portrays a goddess reclining with her back to the viewer, gazing at her reflection. Her smooth, naturalistic buttocks were considered scandalous and sublime all at once.
Though bottoms have long been idealized in the arts, they’ve shifted from the realm of taboo toward glorification in modern times. Social media, yoga pants, and classic hymns like “Baby Got Back” have rendered the booty a venerated cultural iconography. Sites like FetLife serve as confessional booths of sorts—we post offerings of photos that reveal our pious assets. “Here’s what’s happening with my bottom, under these holiest of robes.”
Spanko Rites and Rituals
Admiration alone is not enough for the faithful; true devotion demands action. There are customs we fetishists follow to prove our dedication to callipygous curves. We take pilgrimages to antique shops to bolster our collection of sacred weaponry, or to lingerie stores to adorn our buns in the finest woven textiles. We attend ceremonies of worship at spanking parties, where we praise the cleansing suffering brought on by firm smacks. Deacon Smackwell of Manchester testifies, “Every Sunday I polish my paddle and my conscience alike.”
There are also the weekly observances, like Full-Moon Mondays and Fine-Ass Fridays, as well as annual celebrations. Behold! The Calendar of the Saintly Seat:
January 17 – The Feast of Saint Gluteus Maximus
March 3 – The Day of the Double-Cheek Miracle
May 7 – The Pilgrimage of the Polished Paddle
July 14 – The Festival of the Rosy Rear
October 31 – All Cheeks’ Eve
November 25 – Spanksgiving
Last but not least is the sacrament itself. Before a spanking, we may light candles in praise of the peach or play arias by choirs that serenade the spanko soul. We then lose ourselves in the ecstasy of our favorite form of exaltation, giving the cheeks our undivided attention. The resulting warmth and pinkness indicate an act of sacrifice has occurred. Through spanking, we find salvation.
A Closing Benediction
The cherished practice of bottom worship is thankfully gaining traction in contemporary times. Adonitology, a new religion founded in 2009 by King Adonis, emphasizes the empowerment of women, particularly those with heady curves. Some sources state this includes the veneration of large, curvaceous buttocks. We can only pray this trend will continue in our modern sin-ridden culture, where few things remain sacred.
May the glow of the saintly seat light your way and warm your hand. Blessed be the bounce, the blush, and the brave who bare it. For the world may turn, the tides may shift, but the sanctity of bottoms endureth. Hallelujah!
-T
