Eureka! The Joys of Antiquing for Spanko Swag

They say blondes have more fun (and by “they” I mean Rod Stewart on his 9th studio album from 1978). Certain activities, however, are more fun when you’re a spanko, regardless of hair color. Antiquing is one of those ventures. 

I’m from Northern California, home to a region we call Gold Country. In the mid-19th century, people from far and wide flocked to this gorgeous, godless state in search of glittery riches. These days, Gold Country draws in road trippers like myself with a different sort of treasure: old-timey domestic weapons gathering dust in the nooks and crannies of quiet antique shops.

Our People, in all our creative spanko glory, can revive these forgotten items to serve a higher purpose. What purpose might that be, you ask? Why, the only purpose that matters, of course—painting quivering bare-bottom cheeks bright pink. If you’re looking to add to your implement collection, I recommend embarking on an antiquing jamboree. Bring your friends! You never know what you’ll find in those dusty hidey-holes.

Here’s what makes the process so very exciting…

Act I: The Hunt

Walking through the tight corridors of a packed antique shop, you know, you just KNOW there’s a potential implement there for you, waiting to be rescued. Amidst the cupboards of vintage tea cups and outdated globes could lie a worn leather belt, a heavy Victorian hairbrush, or a sturdy wooden paddle that’s kissed the bottoms of many a mischievous frat boy. 

One must hunt with peeled eyes. Focus! Feel the energy of your dream toy pulling you closer, as Inigo Montoya did with his fancy sword while searching for The Pit of Despair in The Princess Bride. If you happen to come up short in the end, have faith you’ve done your spanko duty and excellent finds await you at another shop in the future. 

Act II: The Discovery

EUREKA! The moment of magic arrives. While scanning, your eyes will eventually land on something that suits your fancy—an old ruler, paddle, belt, brush, or other treasure—and victory will be yours. Is it worth the price listed? I am likely to say yes, but only you can decide.

$24 for Stew 1953?! It's a goddamn steal.

Act III: The Daydream

As you carry your new weapon to the counter to claim it as yours, your spanko mind is likely to begin bubbling with visions of its history. What year was this beautiful gem made? Who owned it originally? Where was it kept? What did they use it for? (What else did they use it for??)

The ultimate question is... has it ever been used to spank bottoms... in the same ways WE like to do it? Crazier things have happened. But whether it was wielded for vanilla or kinky purposes in the past no longer matters, for you have arrived at the counter and its future has been determined. 

I found an even older 1939 companion for Stew at another nearby shoppe—complete with names of its previous victims! I think we can all picture those swats from the past. Hopefully John Crumb made it out alive.

Act IV: The Purchase

There’s always some lil’ old lady or man at the check-out counter of an antique shop who wants nothing more than to chat with passers-through. Your stomach may do backflips as you approach; will they make a cheeky comment about your spanko purchase?! I’ve found they often do… 

"WHATCHA GOT THERE? THE BOARD OF EDUCATION?"

😳😳

They might even size up the nice man who brought you antiquing in his vehicle and predict your new gem may soon be kissing HIS bare buns. “Better watch out. Looks like she knows how to use that thing.”

Your friend may respond with a flustered smirk and mutter, “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

This is all rather embarrassing, so it’s crucial to have an escape plan. An alleged reservation at a nearby restaurant or flick at the local cinema will do. Something you must rush to, posthaste. That sweet lil’ cashier will chatter on and keep you there for 45 minutes if you let them. You think I’m joking, but t’ain’t so! This is serious business, so come armed with polite excuses to take your leave.

Act V: The Christening

Once your antique implement is safely home, you must use it for the first time to help it feel welcome. Are there any bottoms nearby? Bare ones in need of spanking? If so, try out your purchase and see how it lands. (You might even try it on yourself.) When you’re done, you can place it on your spanko shrine, in your weapons drawer, or wherever else you store your esteemed collection. 

What magic!

A generous bounty of vintage come-ups.

So: the next time you’re looking for excuses to go on a kinky field trip, give antiquing the ol’ college try. You might just strike spanko gold. Happy hunting to ye. 🙏

-T