For many spankos, having this fetish is a lifelong journey full of ups and downs. It’s not a uniform experience, but one that changes alongside us as we grow. Ask me in five years how my spanko life is going and my answer will likely differ from what I’d say today. 

Below are a handful of common phases we spankos experience throughout life. Any of them ring a bell, friends?   

1. Shame and Isolation

Most spankos I know, especially those who have felt the fetish swirling within them since childhood, struggled deeply with shame and loneliness growing up. We learn early on how rare it is to obsess over this topic at the level we do, let alone romanticize it. I didn’t meet another spanko until I was in my 30s. There are a lot of kinksters out there, but relatively few who share this wiring. “I’m different. I’m weird. No one could possibly understand me. I can’t tell anyone about these thoughts or they’ll think I’m crazy… and maybe they’d be right.” 

Life is torturous when you believe something is fundamentally wrong with you. You hide your true self, assuming no one could ever accept you. Life becomes about carrying secrets and letting “normal” people take the lead, as you’re never quite confident enough to trust yourself. “I’m inherently flawed. Why should anyone listen to me?” To grow out of this phase is a major shift for us spankos. Our fetish is not a flaw; it is simply a reflection of our sexuality. 

2. Investigating the Source

For a time, we spankos fixate on how we ended up this way. There must be some explanation for what caused this variation in our programming. Theories abound. Some people blame developmental trauma rooted in childhood abuse. (That’s where my fetish came from.) Others who weren’t exposed to abuse simply developed a fascination with spanking that linked it to their sexuality. Some people even believe there’s a spanko gene and that we were all like this before we were even born. 

Researchers have yet to identify a single or definitive answer to the “why” question. At the end of the day, it’s fruitless to keep spinning our wheels about it. Many of us move on from focusing on it eventually, as there’s no way to know for sure.

3. Trying with Vanillas

We know what we want in our intimate relationships: frequent spanking sessions that fulfill our psychological needs, often revolving around elements of power exchange or discipline. We discover, unfortunately, that most non-spankos aren’t actually willing or able to meet our needs. They may think our fetish is weird. The topic itself might feel too embarrassing or uncomfortable to discuss. Some may be willing to smack our butt for a minute before sex, but may have difficulty understanding the headspace we seek. It’s surprisingly taboo.

Some spankos get lucky and find vanilla partners who are either down to learn about their needs, or don’t mind them playing with other spankos. Lots of us, however, reach a point where we’re unwilling to date those who don’t share this obsession. The need to feel seen and understood is fundamental to intimate relationships. We resolve to only date kinky people, or spankos exclusively, shrinking our pool of possibilities. Regardless, it feels worth it.  

4. Realizing We’re Not Alone

At some point, we hop on the internet to search for our kind. Immediately we find that while we are rare, there are spankos just like us sprinkled around the globe! Ones who looked the word ‘spanking’ up in the dictionary as kids, like we did. Ones who fantasize heavily about power dynamics. Ones who are seeking the kind of relationship we want for ourselves. 

The relief is incredible. Our sense of isolation begins to thaw and evaporate. We revel in the possibility of being seen, understood, and valued for who we really are. We begin to have hope that the kind of relationship we’ve imagined for years could become a reality someday. Even from behind the screen, before we speak with other spankos, knowing they’re out there makes the world feel brighter. (We usually uhhhhh, check out lots of spanko porn at this stage too. Fap fap fap fap fap fap fap…)

5. Connecting with Other Spankos

After indulging ourselves in spanko culture online, many of us make the scary leap into the kink scene. We talk with spankos on social media. We attend munches and play parties. We may even start playing, if we’re lucky. Finally, spanking for real! 

This long-awaited connection with other spankos can result in a honeymoon period of sorts. A fresh psycho-sexual awakening. A spiritual frenzy wherein we’re dying to play and experience as many kinky activities as we can. This phase is filled with euphoria, but can get out of hand if not handled with balance.

6. Trouble Finding Great Partners

Once we’ve entered the scene and begun “spanko dating,” many of us struggle to match with compatible partners. While we do have the fetish in common, spanking isn’t enough on its own to keep us aligned. We yearn for compatible values, personalities, desires, and levels of awareness. After we endure enough negative experiences, a lack of true resonance simply won’t do.  

This period can be a bummer, even more than the isolation phase. Being alone is usually better than playing with partners who make us feel bad. To anyone currently in this phase: my advice is to back away from those who don’t bring you joy and keep looking. Don’t give up! It may take months or even years, but if you’re an upstanding spanko, you’ll find your people eventually.

7. Suppressing the Fetish

During hard times, we go through periods where we attempt to push our spankoness out of our minds. This may happen after negative experiences with others, frustration over finding good partners, or remnants of the shame that plagues us early in life. We try to forget our desires, thinking that if we just ignore our thoughts and feelings hard enough, they’ll disappear…

…but they won’t! Spanko wiring doesn’t go away, in my experience. It cannot be erased or forgotten. It’s intrinsic to the wiring of our psyche. When we try to suppress it, our urges get stronger and bleed out of us in unexpected, unpredictable ways. You may find yourself in dark alleyways mooning strangers like the late spanko philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau in hopes of inspiring them to wallop your hiney. Far better to move on to the next phase instead. 

8. Arriving at Self-Acceptance

Even after we join the kink scene, shame or embarrassment over this fetish can persist for years. The antidote is time, maturity, knowledge, self-love, and positive experiences with people who share our idea of a good time. We reach a point where we can leave self-doubt behind in favor of unconditional self-acceptance. 

We spankos are generally sweet, fuzzy, and fun. Provided we play consensually and respectfully, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, our fetish can be rather charming. Spankos are the cutest, if you ask me. We love peak experiences and vulnerable intimacy. We’re playful, drawn to intensity, and therefore never boring. Anyone in our presence while we are in the zone is in for a real treat. This realization brings pride. 

9. Finding Great Partners

Aha! Hallelujah! Finally, we find lovely people to play with. After searching and struggling, compatible partners enter our lives. We can enjoy and be at peace, fulfilling lifelong fantasies without worry of shady characters bringing drama to our lives. All is well, fun is had, and we can indulge from an inspired place of comfort. 

10. Integration

Before this point, our fetish is loud and comprises a part of ourselves that feels difficult to satisfy. It’s set apart from the rest of us—something we hide, reject, or focus on too deeply. It doesn’t merge harmoniously with the other aspects of our spirit. But once we’ve waded through the mud and found ourselves, the spanko part of our soul is integrated as a balanced aspect of our being. Beautiful stuff.

I’ve been through all these phases myself. What a journey it has been! And despite the ups and downs, life has never once been boring. I am grateful.

What spanko phases have you been through, friends?

-T