Frenzy and Rose-Colored Glasses: The Kink-Scene Honeymoon Period

A piece by Édouard-Henri Avril

While my spanking fetish has been central to my psyche since childhood, I didn’t muster up the courage to dive into the kink scene until my late 20s. At the time, I went through a starry-eyed honeymoon period of sorts. Many of us do. If you’re thinking of finally making that leap, it’s likely you will too. 

The decision to join the community can be a nerve-racking one. If you’re a lifelong spanko like me, you’ll have thought about it for years, but held back due to monogamous romantic commitments, fear of the unknown, fetish-related shame, or a combination of all three. Just saying the word “spanking” out loud was something I couldn’t do comfortably until a few years ago (and still can’t do in front of vanillas). 

“What will it be like to schmooze with other kinky people? Is it some dark underground cult like they show in the movies? Will I be accepted among the weirdos? Do I need an invitation?”   

Questions abound. Insecurities flutter. Still, life is short and you’ll eventually be pulled in by the increasingly sonorous need to satisfy your proclivities. Before that point, you’ll have fantasized a LOT about playing. It may be the loudest secret theme in your mind. 

You’ll likely have also tried to explore your fetish with non-kinksters. This yields mixed results and your mileage may vary. For me, it was a disaster. I got wholly fed up with the judgment I encountered, along with the deep unmet need to feel seen and understood. I couldn’t take it anymore and was done explaining myself. “I just need to get spanked by people who get it!”

So you go on the mighty internet to search for your own kind, anxious but excited, wondering what you’ll find there. You’ll likely come across FetLife or some other kinky site and start making connections. From there, it’s only a matter of time before you’re going on dates, hitting up play parties, and partaking of the scene’s spanky cornucopia.

At first, you are STOKED. “Holy shit, I’ve found my people!” You’ll be having conversations you never thought were possible with spank-lovers who get you like no one else has. No more sheepish explaining. No feeling like an odd ducky. You can tell people you looked up ‘spanking’ in the dictionary as a kid and dream of domestic discipline and they’ll nod without batting an eye. “Me too, friend.”

This energizing revelation is a fresh sexual awakening in its own right, like losing your virginity all over again. You don’t have to hide who you are anymore! And you will want to PLAY. All those kinky things you’ve spent years fantasizing about? Meet the right people in the scene, be respectful, and you just might be able to try them at long last. 

The insatiable, overwhelming, infatuation-driven desire to play among newbies is often referred to as “frenzy.” I had it bad when I got started, wanting to try every type of masochism I could tolerate. The highs I got from all that pain felt deeply spiritual, as if my soul had found true peace for the first time. It was all I wanted to do. Every weekend was spent checking out BDSM clubs and getting freaky with my new kinky friends. 

While the honeymoon period is prime time for exploration, it can also be risky, as your boundaries may be hazy, nonexistent, or difficult to communicate. You may be blind to the very real risks involved in certain violent activities or gloss over certain steps necessary for the exchange of informed consent. Self-advocacy is key to staying safe in the scene and for those of us raised to people-please, standing up for our needs can feel like an uphill battle.  

Newbies to the community are often targeted by practiced predators (narcissists, sociopaths, users and abusers) others have already rejected, who’ve left a slew of traumatized partners in their wake. These vampires say all the right things and pretend to be someone they’re not until BAM! Their selfish dickery lands right in your lap and you’re left wondering how people can be such heartless, terrible turds.    

This can lead to a swift removal of the rose-colored glasses. “These aren’t my people! In fact, they’re awful people!” And verily, many are, though not all. The kink scene—and the spanko scene, in particular—is just like any other community: filled with angels, assholes, and everyone in between. Most of them will not be for you and while that’s a sad bubble to burst due to the fact that our spanko pool is already small, it’s not a bad thing. We only have so much time, attention, and energy for others anyway.

Eventually, you find your Goldilocks zone. You figure out what works for you and leave behind what doesn’t. You focus on activities that bring you the most joy. You get extremely intentional about who you hang with and fortify your boundaries. You become an expert in how to connect with the right people for you.  

Then you’re relatively cozy. Balance takes hold. You play, but not in ways that aren’t sustainable. You have enlightening, delicious sessions that uplift your soul, but the need for them doesn’t steer your life. Your kinky side is integrated as one aspect of your overall sense of self, no longer fighting for the spotlight due to years of repression. You still watch out for predators, but know their shitty ways and can keep most of them out of your life, most of the time. (Goddamn vampires.) 

This was my experience. I’ve seen similar patterns in others. To you long-timers out there: what was your honeymoon period like?

-T