While searching for partners, we spankos tend to venture into the kinky dating world with a specific vision in mind. Some of us are on the hunt for a lifetime partner primed for marriage and monogamy. Others want casual, no-strings-attached connections. Every dream under the sun exists. Our desires are as unique as our fantasies, backgrounds, and values.

While it makes sense to date with specific goals in mind, getting deeply attached to those goals can sap all the fun out of getting to know new spankos. We create a checklist in our mind labeled PERFECT PARTNER FOR ME and project its contents onto everyone we date. “Are you the one who will check off all these pretty boxes?” 

In reality, no spanko can be our perfect box-checker. They can try, but I’m guessing you’re not seeking a performance. You want REAL fun, REAL connection—not someone jumping through hoops while attempting to play out your fantasies. At the same time, while it’s necessary to be open-minded, we also can’t throw our standards out the window in the process. There are weirdos out there (not the fun kind) and ending up alone with one is a fast track to uncomfortable experiences or even trauma. 

To enjoy dating as a spanko, we need a balanced approach that leaves us open to a variety of authentic connections, but keeps out people who don’t belong in our lives. After much trial and error, I’ve found success with this 3-step process:

1. Define your dealbreakers.

Spankos who bring you down rather than lifting you up must not be allowed to pass through your forcefield. Get clear on the traits and behaviors you won’t accept so you can back away when you see them. This isn’t the same as writing the PERFECT PARTNER CHECKLIST. “He needs to be 6’2” with rad tattoos, a 7-figure job, shimmering stallion hair, 3 master’s degrees, a hairless bubble butt, blar blar blar…”

That’s not what we’re doing here. I’m talking about stuff that will harsh your mellow to the point that hanging out will feel like a drag. Here’s a handful of my dealbreakers.

I don’t kick it with spankos who:

• believe in racist, misogynistic, right-wing garbage.

• talk like cringey incels and harbor cringey incel dreams.

• are more focused on getting their dick wet than enjoying the fetish together. 

• are trying to cheat on their partner with me.

• act pushy, move too fast, or talk like they have my consent when they don’t.

• lie and manipulate to get what they want.

• have a shitty reputation in the kink community.

• are arrogant, narcissistic, and lacking in self-awareness.

• expect me to do all the emotional labor to sustain the connection.

• have constant mental health struggles they refuse to get help for.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. 

If we stop people-pleasing and get honest with ourselves, we’re only likely to truly vibe with a small percentage of the spankos we meet. That’s not a bad thing at all. You don’t need to invite the whole community into your personal space. As spankos, our pool is already small, but it’s better to wait for the right friends/lovers than it is to get intimate with folks we don’t actually like. Raise that bar sky high and don’t apologize for it. 

2. Have no expectations. 

At some point, you’ll connect with cool spankos who don’t do dealbreakery shit. These are the peeps you allow to cross the moat and enter your castle for tea. As awesome as they may be, you may not mesh in the specific way you’d like. Compatibility takes time to assess, so resist the urge to categorize them as a friend, play partner, love of your life, etc. 

Building expectations around someone we barely know leads to disappointment more often than not. We project all the stuff in our head onto that person rather than getting to know them for who they are. If you want authentic connection, expect nothing from spankos who are new to you (aside from making sure they don’t do dealbreakery shit). Through organic interaction, your true level of compatibility will reveal itself with time. 

3. See what you end up building together. 

After sharing enough experiences with the new spanko in your life, you’ll find your comfort zone together. Perhaps you’ll just be friends. Perhaps you’ll play. Perhaps you’ll make porn together and sell it online. Perhaps you’ll fall madly in love, buy a house in the mountains, and fill it with scary implements for daily domestic discipline. See where you land without pushing for dynamics that don’t truly suit you both.

Healthy intimacy isn’t forced. It’s built over time with comfort, whimsy, and excitement. When we ditch the attitude of “this has to happen” and instead think, “let’s see what happens,” spanko dating becomes a pleasure rather than a source of stress. You can make lots of friends while keeping the door open for the rare people you’ll vibe with more deeply. 

So spankos, what are your dealbreakers?

How do you assess compatibility?

What kinds of different connections have you built during your adventures in Spanko Land?

-T