Ideally, the spanko scene would be a safe, supportive community full of respectful kinksters looking to make magic together. While a lot of lovely folks do fit that bill, there’s a non-negligible chunk who are poorly adjusted at best and dangerous at worst. Like any sector of society, the BDSM world harbors abusive types like narcissists, sociopaths, scammers, and pedophiles—I’ve encountered all of the above. Getting entangled with such a person can leave us not only with long-term trauma, but also negativity toward ourselves and our fetish.    

Keeping the bad apples out of our lives is crucial as we search for great people to spank with. (Spank-dating, if you will.) Sometimes red flags are obvious, like when someone tells you about their violent criminal record or sexualizes minors. In this post, I’m talking about subtler signals that are easier to overlook when we’re new to the BDSM scene or just getting to know someone. If you encounter any of the following behaviors, consider backing away or cutting ties entirely. They bode ill for the future.        

1. They use BDSM to excuse the inexcusable. 

Imagine you’re an abusive person who wants nothing more than to find a partner who will put up with all your crap. You want to hit them, use them, degrade them, silence them, and control their life to whatever extent you can without consequences. (Hard to imagine if you’re a good person, but bear with me.) The BDSM scene is highly attractive to this type of predator. They know they’ll encounter people who are actively looking to be spanked, ravaged, or ordered around consensually by skilled people who care for their safety and well-being. All this predator has to do is disappear when shit hits the fan and insist they had permission to do whatever awful thing they did. 

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from these situations, it’s that predators are opportunists. This is why so many pedophiles become teachers and so many psychotic maniacs go into politics or law enforcement. They need an excuse that provides plausible deniability. In BDSM you’ll find, for example, racists who refer to their bigoted sexual desires as “race play.” (Because haha, “pretending” to objectify or own people of other races is just quirky, sexy fun, right?) When you call them out, they’ll turn around and screech that you are “kink shaming.” Don’t let these creeps gaslight you. Our sexual desires are reflections of our psyche whether they want to acknowledge it or not.

2. They’re selfish and low on empathy. 

Ever been around someone who minimizes or dismisses your feelings when you’re sad, angry, or afraid? Perhaps they take the side of people who disrespect you and try to convince you you’re the problem. Maybe they’re a “good times only” person who refers to conflict as “drama” and can’t handle talking about anything that harshes their mellow. Or they want you to leave their house right after sex despite the plans you made previously because they suddenly want to play video games. They may even be a whole-ass bully, directly putting you down in order to lift themselves up so they can avoid focusing on their own insecurities. 

When you notice behaviors like this are a pattern, you’re dealing with someone who’s not psycho-spiritually equipped for the intimate relationships we look to form with spanking partners. All of it stems from a lack of empathy likely rooted in developmental trauma, emotional immaturity, or a personality disorder of some kind. The funny thing about such people is that THEY want empathy FOR THEMSELVES. (If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be kicking it with a decent person like you.) They usually have some sob story that gets others feeling sorry for them so they can avoid criticism and abandonment. Empathy is key to creating good times with our kinky partners in crime. If you’re not getting a supportive two-way street in that regard, walk away. Life’s too short!

3. They’re in the market for an ego boost.

Spanko self-esteem is awesome and everyone deserves to feel valued, but people who struggle with insecurity tend to have a skewed idea of what that means. They need other people to like, admire, and entertain them to feel a sense of self-worth because they haven’t learned to create it internally. I’ve dealt with people in the BDSM scene who weren’t even actually all that into kink—they just viewed it as cool or interesting and wanted to brag to their buddies about spanking a woman.

The BDSM scene can be cliquey at times, kind of like a high school popularity contest, and people playing the ego game want to bask at “the top.” They may pursue or avoid you based on their perception of how spending time with you will reflect upon them. They may tell other people the details of your kinky sessions without your permission so they can seem super kewl. They may view you as a sexual conquest or notch on the bedpost, like a trophy they can say they won. They may insist on spanking hard to get props on how much they bruised you from people who see your photos. Nothing about this game is fun so when you notice it, don’t play. 

4. They’ve made a lot of enemies in the scene.

With such a variety of different interests and personalities in the kink community, it makes sense for there to be clashes in the spanko world. We don’t all have to agree or get along, but if multiple people have serious problems with someone you’re thinking of playing with, you’re likely to have problems with that person down the road too. People who get off on violating consent tend to do it over and over, hopping from target to target. Sometimes they get banned from local events by hosts and organizers, but not always. Predators can be charismatic and have friends who defend them.

We can learn a lot about prospective partners by observing how they deal with other spankos. Do they have other play partners who like them? Healthy, long-standing friendships? People who sing their praises and want to see them again? By contrast, do people sigh and roll their eyes or grimace when their name comes up? Have multiple people stopped playing with them or banned them from parties? Input from our spanko friends can be hugely helpful as we navigate these waters.  

5. They’re angry and controlling (outside of roleplay).

Power exchange in spanking can involve the illusion of sternness, anger, brattiness, manipulation, or controlling behavior. This is all fun in a fantasy context for people who enjoy it, but can be indicative of abusive dynamics in everyday life. There should be a clear understanding between us and our partners of what is and isn’t play. Blowing up at our partners or degrading them outside of roleplay is not play. Controlling who our partners hang out with is not play. Demanding a specific type of relationship structure is not play. 

Consent is the main factor separating BDSM from abuse. If your spanking partner is habitually treating you in ways you don’t like and won’t stop, you’re in an abusive situation. This can happen gradually and isn’t something anyone consciously signs up for. It often involves a lot of blurred lines and crossed mini-boundaries. Generally speaking, our spanking partnerships should be fun as fuck. Trust can’t be built with people who genuinely scare, harm, or drain us. If you find yourself in that place, escapé.

6. They don’t take kink seriously. 

Ethical kinksters in the scene take kink VERY seriously. This is because we understand the risks involved in what we do. For most spankos, our fetish is tied to the most vulnerable aspects of who we are. We let down our walls and open ourselves up to all sorts of scary or complicated feelings with our partners. There’s also physical safety to consider; spanking someone properly requires knowledge of where and how to hit without causing harm.

There are people who do not appreciate the weight of all this and take the vulnerability of their partners for granted. They may consider themselves too cool for school and therefore believe they’re exempt from learning about safety measures and techniques. They may roll their eyes during conversations about consent. They may provide shitty aftercare or none at all, thinking it’s no big deal. This all sucks and can be dangerous. Don’t put up with it. 

7. They’re pushy and want to move fast.

We all know what “love-bombing” is by now. This is a tool people use to create the illusion of trust and intimacy in a relationship that lacks these things, especially when they meet new partners. Sketchy people do this to create attachment and emotional investment on the part of their target. If they can get you to care about them quickly, they can roll out their agenda before you have time to assess what kind of person they actually are.

Safe spanking partners won’t need to make grand gestures to impress you at lightning speed or push you to do intimate things before you’re ready. They understand that if you two are compatible and all goes well, you’ll have plenty of time to explore what’s on the menu between you. You’ll have months or even years to spank or tie each other up or try figging or take pictures of each other’s buttholes. Chill people aren’t in a rush. 

8. They can’t take care of or advocate for themselves. 

This would become a problem in any intimate relationship, but can be especially toxic where kink is involved. It takes maturity to do BDSM safely, but not everyone is there yet. We have to communicate, show up as our partner’s equal, and take responsibility for our part in these connections. If you get involved with a partner who can’t do those things, you’ll be expected to pick up the slack. 

If the person you want to play with tells you they have “no limits,” they’re either trying to impress you or haven’t thought deeply about the issue. You need to know their limits to avoid crossing their boundaries. If they can’t communicate their feelings and desires to you, you’ll be playing a high-stakes guessing game. If they can’t regulate their own emotions, they may rely on you to help them do so, leading to codependency. While it’s perfectly lovely to support our partners, we can’t be responsible for functioning for them. 

9. They’re mysterious and hide information about themselves.   

What’s your new play partner’s last name? Where do they work? Who do they live with? Who else do they know or play with in the scene? Why does it take them three days to text you back sometimes? Have they ever been married? (Are they married now?) Do their values align with yours? Do they want a committed relationship with you or just something casual? 

If you can’t get straight answers to these kinds of questions within a few weeks of meeting someone you're trying to build trust with, that’s not a great sign. They could be cheating on a partner who doesn’t know you exist. They could be stringing you along with the promise of a committed relationship, knowing full well they’re in no position to provide it. They could be a sex offender. Trustworthy people don’t have trouble answering questions about themselves, their beliefs, or their life. 

10. They don't put effort into the connection. 

It takes two to build and sustain a spanking partnership. Time, energy, consideration, and patience are required from both people. Unqualified candidates will view all this as a pain in the ass. They may expect you to dominate or submit to them without doing the work of earning your trust. There are also flakey folks who put the entire onus of keeping the dynamic going on their partners. You have to text them first. You have to propose and make the plans. You have to do the emotional labor. They see you when it’s convenient for them. 

This is unacceptable in any relationship, but especially egregious in an intimate one where butts are being smacked. If the basics of maintaining a connection are too hard for them, it’s not meant to be. Stop reaching out. 

11. They struggle with self-control.

Some people cannot keep their impulses in check. They can’t seem to do things like drink moderately or manage their rage or resist the urge to cheat. This is bad news in a spanking partner. We need to be sure whoever we’re playing with will honor our boundaries rather than giving into their own urges. “Out of control” is not sexy in BDSM, even in this wacky modern age. 

Does your prospective play partner tend to do what’s right, even when it’s hard, or do they take the easy path whenever it suits them? Do they think about the potential consequences of their choices before they act? Generally, the answer should be yes.

12. They aren’t interested in learning about you.

Ever get a message on a dating platform from someone who didn’t take the time to read and absorb your profile before reaching out? You may have written a whole essay about who you are and what you’re looking for, but they hopped into your DMs without a clue. You may have also dealt with people in the past who talked a lot about themselves, but neglected to ever ask about you. They don’t care and it shows.

Great spanking partners will want to get to know you. Your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, boundaries, desires, experiences, hopes, fears, and fantasies. The better you know each other, the more trust you will build, and this leads to epic kinky adventures. 

13. It’s all about spanking, kink, and sex to them.

We are whole human beings and our value goes far beyond our fetish. Spanking is exquisite, but it’s not everything and great partners appreciate this. If every conversation and interaction revolves around kink and/or sex, you’re probably being used. What about cuddling while watching movies in bed? What about going out to eat, chilling on the beach, or hitting up a baseball game? What about smoking a joint under the stars and sharing deep talks about aliens and the origins of the universe? What about them?!   

Some people are fine to meet up solely for playtime, which is gravy when it's mutual, but most spankos I know want a deeper connection with their partners. A supportive friendship, if nothing else. Feeling like a “kink dispenser” can be a real drag if genuine bonds are what you seek. 

14. They can’t separate fantasy from reality.

Many spankos essentially roleplay characters while acting out their fantasies. Strict paternal or maternal figures. Bratty, irresponsible hooligans. Tyrannical bosses. Fed-up teachers and naughty students. Married couples living in the 1950s. Godlike doms and obsequious subs. None of this is real, but there are people for whom these power imbalances represent lives they wish they were living. 

A lot of tops genuinely enjoy wielding power while bottoms crave to give it up. That works when it’s contained within the psychological confines of playtime and everyone can pull the plug when necessary. This isn’t enough for some people who get lost in their fantasies and use kink as a drug. They want BDSM to be as “real” as possible and often end up co-creating dysfunctional relationships as a result. When we lose sight of equality in these connections, people get hurt.     

15. They can’t articulate how they feel about kink and why.

Why does your prospective partner like spanking? How do they feel about concepts like domination, submission, or discipline? Their answers to these questions will let you know where they’re coming from and whether their approach is compatible with yours. If they say something like, “I like discipline because I feel cared for when someone helps me with my goals,” but that’s not your vibe, you have a chance to say no thank you.

Some people who are exploring or new to the scene may genuinely not have answers to these questions yet, but people with experience should. I would not want to play with a spanker who couldn’t tell me why they love smacking butts or what they get out of it. I need details to understand my partners’ intentions. You deserve the same. 

If you notice any of these points in potential partners, reconsider playing with them. Trust your gut and prioritize your safety, comfort, and enjoyment. If your tendency is to people-please, let go of any guilt you may have about walking away from people who aren’t compatible with you. Leaving frees up time, energy, and space in your heart for those who are a great match.

Stay safe out there, friend!

-T