How to Give Great Kinky Spankings (Subscribers Only)

So you’ve got a hot date coming up with someone who wants a spanking? That is so cool. Best news ever. I’ve done that many times and if you’d like some tried-and-true tips on how to guide your spankee through a great experience, this post is for you. 

I imagine you already know there’s more to The Illustrious Art Of Erotic Spanking than merely slapping an ass. Any brute can wallop, but if a kinkster wants you to spank them, they’re likely seeking more nuance. In addition to pain, they may also yearn for intensity, excitement, intimacy, relaxation, or a space to give up control to someone they can trust. They may deeply desire a chance to be seen for who they are and explore the most vulnerable parts of themselves with you. Quite an encounter to lead. 

Right now, some longtime BDSMer is running in here to yell, “There are a million ways to spank well, not just yours!” And that’s certainly true. We spankos all have different preferences and my word is not gospel. As long as everyone involved is communicating, consenting, and playing safely, I’m not here to judge. The following are simply tips that have worked well for me in the past, both as spanker and spankee.   

First and foremost,

Treat your spankee as a whole person.

The person you’re gonna spank may have the most poetically shaped bottom this earth has ever seen. You may have already spent many moons daydreaming of getting intimate with them. Hell, it may have been years since you were able to play with anyone at all. Regardless of what’s happening on your end, your spankee will be working through their own thoughts and feelings too. You’ll need to be able to attune to their inner world in order to co-create a connected experience. Sometimes we spankos get so excited about playing that we skip over the step where our souls actually meet each other.

As a spankee, I can tell you it’s unnerving to end up in a room alone with someone who’s slotting you into their fantasies, but not seeing you for who you are, even as you’re right in front of them. It’s best if both participants can get out of their heads and align in the present moment with each other. 

Learn what kind of experience they want to have.

Bet you’ve heard this one before: 

“When you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME!” 

Spankees are all unique in their preferences, so it’s important to figure out some specifics when possible. Do they crave discipline and like feeling naughty? Is spanking sexual for them and if so, do they want to get sexual with you during your session? Are they okay with you pulling down their undies? What’s their pain tolerance like? Do they like to play hard or keep it lighter? Are they okay with you calling them pet names like ‘babygirl’? Are they up for roleplay? Do they like toys or just want to be spanked with your hand? How long do they like to go for? So many points to consider!

Clearly, it’s tough to learn everything about someone before you spank them for the first time, especially if you’ve just met at a play party. The important thing is to avoid crossing boundaries or turning your spankee off entirely. I once had a guy start infantilizing me during a session, assuming that’s what I wanted. (It wasn’t. I felt disrespected.) I had another guy launch into incestuous dirty talk out of nowhere, thinking it would excite me. (It didn’t. It grossed me out.) Asking questions and taking things slowly will eventually get you the information you need about your spankee. Communication is key!

It’s also important to keep your own boundaries in mind as you learn what your spankee is looking for. If they want to experience a hard beating you’re not comfortable doling out or wish to have sex during play when you do not, those aren’t lines you need to cross. You can say no and if your spankee can’t accept that, they’re not the right partner for you. 

Decide on a safeword in case it’s needed.

If all goes to plan, your spankee will look, sound, and be extremely uncomfortable at points during your session. They’ll be fighting internally to endure the agonizing pain you’re dishing out. Spankings hurt! And while that is part of the goal, they need to be able to stop you if things get too intense. Traumatizing or injuring someone ruins all the fun and can lead to serious problems. You’ll never be able to read minds as a spanker, so make sure your spankee knows you’re relying on them to tap out with their safeword if they hit their limit. 

There’s no shame in using a safeword. I’ve seen people in the kink scene get oddly defensive over this issue. “We don’t use safewords because we want our spankings to be real!” I get it. My play partners and I don’t use them much either, but we have them. I know that if I’m spanking too hard, whoever I’m topping will let me know so I can ease up rather than battering them like a tyrant. That would not feel sexy.

Think about the type of spanking you’re going to give.

The purpose you’re trying to achieve will inform the way you spank. Some people want spankings for stress relief, meaning they want to feel as relaxed as possible after it’s over. Some people want to be spanked as foreplay, meaning sexy activities are involved. Some want to be spanked as discipline, meaning they want to feel punished for wrongdoing with an experience that’s more painful than pleasurable. And there are quite a lot of us who like “funishment”—the playful illusion of punishment without the depth of seriousness real discipline entails. Know what kind of experience you’re aiming to create and what you’d like your spankee to feel. 

Give them some sort of task to prepare in advance.

This one is optional, but I’ve had fun in the past with spankers who gave me homework to complete before I met up with them. You could instruct your spankee to wear a certain kind of underwear or outfit, if they’re up for that. You could have them abstain from masturbation for a whole week. You could have them write out a confession detailing some naughty sin they committed recently, why they did it, and why it was bad. This will have them thinking about the spanking you’ll deliver long before they’re even in your presence.

Wear something sexy or intimidating.

Again, totally optional, but the outfit of a spanker can really set the vibe. Want ‘authoritative boss’ energy? Show up in a suit like you would to a job interview. ‘Scary cowboy’? Throw on some jeans and a flannel. ‘Fed-up mom’? Answer the door in a robe or some sweat pants. You don’t have to make a whole thing about it, like “Look how hot I got for you!” Better not to mention it, in fact. Let your aura speak for itself.

Once they arrive, make them wait before you spank. 

Patience is a very sexy quality in a spanker and anticipation can add delicious tension to a session. Your spankee will likely be nervous when they meet you, wondering when you’ll make the move to initiate their comeuppance. Rather than bombarding them with eagerness right as they walk through the door, play it cool and casual without letting them know you’re doing so. Get them a drink, have a chat, and make them feel comfortable. Act as if nothing earth-shatteringly scandalous is about to happen between the two of you. This will have them squirming on the edge of their seat. Putty in your hands. Bide your time.

Set the mood.

You’ll want to prepare a safe and comfortable environment before getting started. Is the room too hot or cold? Do you want to put on music? Do you need to lock the door in case anyone tries to enter mid-sesh? Want soft lighting? Need to fill the tub for a spanky bubble bath? Want to place certain implements nearby so they’re there when you need them? By preparing in advance, you’ll avoid the need to pause while you two are in the zone. 

Talk about why you’re gonna spank them.

This is when shit gets real—the moment of initiation. Spankees tend to like hearing why they’re getting spanked before it happens. It gets us all nervous and excited and embarrassed. The reason for the spanking gives context to the moment, allowing both participants to transition into the energy of the ritual. You don’t need to look for reasons to punish your spankee if that’s not the vibe. Sometimes it’s enough to say, “because you need it“ or “because I want to.” Those are perfectly sexy explanations.

Guide them into position.

Your options for positioning your spankee are endless, but if you’re trying to play for a while, you’ll need them to be comfortable. 

Lots of people like to start by pulling their spankee over their knee. You could also have them lay across your lap on a couch or bed. You could have them on all fours or bending over a piece of furniture. You could even have them strapped to a scary spanking bench. Whatever you choose, make sure they’re not at risk of injuring themselves or breaking anything fragile nearby. Pain can make people jolt and crumble and lose their balance and fight involuntarily. You’re in charge now! Help keep them safe. 

Gradually remove clothing layer by layer.

This is a personal preference. I find it jarring to have spankings start on bare skin. That said, I’ve definitely pulled some people’s pants and undies right down and gotten straight to business in the past. It’s just kinda mean, so I save that for when I’m punishing people or trying to keep them on their toes. The polite and more luxurious option is to start spanking over their clothing and gradually arrive at their bare bottom layer by layer. Keep in mind, as well, that your spankee may be wearing super cute undies and you will miss all the joy of the unwrapping process if you blow right through it quickly. It’s a vulnerable moment I recommend savoring.

Aim for the meaty areas.    

If you only remember one tip from this post, make it this one. There’s a safe zone you must play within while you’re painting your spankee’s bottom. Meaty areas are spankable, bony areas are not. Spank too high and you can risk damaging their tailbone, kidneys, or spine. Stick to the pudge!

I got this image from @SpankMeSilly on X, "Clarine Klein is Writing Spanking Stories!"

The bottoms of the cheeks are the main target of a spanking. They’re made of yummy protective fat that’s safe for hitting. You can also spank the tops of the thighs but that hurts more, so decide how mean you want to be.

Start with a warm-up.

Your partner for this adventure will not have a pleasant time if you spank them hard and fast right out of the gate. Skipping the warm-up can feel appropriate once in a while if they’ve been naughty and agreed to do punishment-type scenes, but it’s generally best to ramp up slowly. Start off with firm but polite smacks, then increase your speed and/or intensity as your spankee gets used to the sensation over time. It will take a handful of minutes for the effects of the endorphins you’re creating to kick in and dampen the pain. Help your partner gradually transition to that place. 

Start with your hand.

Most spankees really like skin-on-skin slaps. In fact, some people only want to be spanked with hands, as it can feel more intimate than being spanked with implements. Give your spankee the pleasure of this closeness, at least for a few minutes until your hand starts hurting. Your touch will help put them at ease, even while you’re hurting them, and help you both bond emotionally. 

Pay attention to their responses.

As you spank, your partner’s responses will give you a sense of how they’re doing. They’re likely to tense up and hold their breath while they’re in pain. They’ll gasp and moan and kick and squirm. They may even try to escape you. (I do this a lot!) Let their reactions guide your rhythm and intensity. The point of a spanking is not to torture the receiver, but to push them right to the edge of what they can handle in that moment—or even a smidge further—and then ease up. Do this again and again, listening for their safeword as you play.

Move on to implements, if they want that.

Your hand is bound to hurt after a while. That’s when I usually reach for an implement, like a paddle, hairbrush, cane, or belt. Spankees tend to have preferences when it comes to materials. Some like leather, for instance, while others prefer wood. Figure out what your partner wants to experience and pass on any implements they’re truly not up for. Also, be sure to try all your implements on yourself before using them on a partner so you can empathize with the sensations you’re creating. 

Scold them, if they want that.

Spankees into discipline tend to love admonishment. They want to be lectured, scolded, and told exactly how naughty they’ve been. They want to feel little, embarrassed, and made to obey. If your partner is into this, talk about their misbehavior and why it was unacceptable. Go into detail about how it impacts others when they do that thing and what you expect from them instead. Make it very clear what will happen to them in the future if they don’t shape up and do better. Get their compliance.

Hold them down, if they want that.

I love being held down and “forced” to take it when I start squirming during a spanking. It’s intimate to be overpowered like that and very exciting when it’s done by someone I trust. This goes beyond domination—it’s also about safety. Trying to hit a moving target is dangerous. You don’t want to crack a cane across someone’s tailbone or hit their hand while they’re reaching back to defend themselves, which means you need them to hold still. If your partner doesn’t like being physically restrained, verbally command them to hold the position you want to see.

Push them, but not too far. 

A spanking should hurt. If you handle your partner with kid gloves due to fear, they may end up underwhelmed and disappointed. At the same time, you don’t want to push them too far. They shouldn’t experience true panic, injury, or an extreme freeze response. Ideally, they’ll be in their sweet spot during the climax of your session—in pain, but still responsive and engaged. If you’re unsure whether they’re okay with what’s happening, don’t be shy; ask them. (And stop playing immediately if they go non-verbal, use a safeword, or seem injured. Those are red lights. Do not pass Go.)

Pause for breaks and rub their butt.

You’ll be able to play longer and harder if you pause every minute or two and give your spankee breaks. They will need to catch their breath and relax for a bit at points. Rub their skin. Let them rest. Give them time to release the tension stored in their body. These moments help them know they’re safe with you. When the time is right, start up again. 

Continue until one of you has had enough.

It’s possible to spank for a surprisingly long time. HOURS, if you pace yourself. At some point, however, what goes up must come down. If your spankee taps out, that makes it easy to know when to wrap up. If they don’t, you’ll have to be the one to tap out eventually. It’s better to end a session before you’re completely exhausted, so finish when the time is right. 

Give them, and yourself, great aftercare.

Most people love to cuddle after spankings and enjoy the heady glow they’ve just created together. Snuggle with your spankee while rubbing their sore butt. Praise them. Stroke their hair. Grab some lotion and help them moisturize their punished skin. Drink some water and get them some too. Do sexy things, if that’s on the menu. Put something nice on the TV. Wrap them up in blankets and doze together. Marinate in bliss.

Take some pretty pictures.

Most spankos I know love taking pictures of their warm bottom—or the bottom they just warmed—for posterity. If your spankee is up for it, grab their phone and take some photos they can look back on later to remember your lovely session. Be sure to discuss whether you’re both okay with putting the pictures you take together online before doing so.  

Leave them with wonderful vibes. 

You and your spankee just shared an intense and vulnerable experience! Hopefully, you both had a great time and created positive memories together. As you part ways, leave your spankee with a hug and ensure they know their well-being matters to you. Consider texting them the next day to check in on how they’re doing. Perhaps the two of you can unite again to repeat this sacred ritual in the future. 

Those are my two cents! What do you think of these tips? Would you enjoy this kind of spanking, friend?

-T