I’m proud to report my main play partner and I have been enjoying spanky shenanigans together for over a year without any major snags or hullabaloo (aside from one surprise psilocybin “microdose” mishap, but that’s a story for another blog). 

This isn’t something I take for granted. Sustaining close, long-term partnerships isn’t easy in the kink world. I’ve had many fizzle out, explode in a supernova of drama, or fail to take flight altogether due to emotional misalignment. Compatibility is a bitch! 

In this post, I offer tips to help you avoid those unfortunate outcomes and build spanko bonds that strengthen over time. Learn from my plethora of mistakes (!!) so you can give your favorite kinky connections a fighting chance of long-term success.

1. Take your time while vetting new partners. 

Starting off strong hinges on ensuring you and your new spanko boo fundamentally align as human beings. Find out the answers to these kinds of questions, preferably before playing:

• Do you share similar values in regards to human rights?

• Do your goals for the partnership mesh?

• Are they generally liked within the spanko community or loathed due to crappy behavior?

• Do they care about consent and understand why it’s important?

• Do they care about playing safely and know how to do so?

• Are they capable of empathizing with you and your needs?

• Are they a massive, manipulative, secret douchebag in disguise?

• Do they truly like spanking as much as you do, or are they just saying so in order to play in your pantalones?

Unpleasant discoveries in these areas can lead to considerable disappointment. It’s best to bow out ASAP in the face of such distressing outcomes.

2. Don’t be a diiiiiiiiiiiiick!

I know I don’t need to inform you of this one, dear reader. If you are here at my blog, it’s because you’re an admirable, spiritually attractive, upstanding spanko citizen with cool clothes who charms the pants off every Tom, Dick, and Harry in town. (You smell marvelous too. Fresh like a daisy.) But to any RUFFIANS who somehow found their way in here, know this: sexist/racist/homophobic/dickish etc. behaviours can torpedo your spanko connections faster than a rabid squirrel jacked up on coke at a college kegger. You may think you’re just joking around, but it’ll be a real problem if your play partner starts giving you the side-eye, wondering whether they’ve shacked up with a meanie. Respect is the glue that (barely, shakily) holds our rag-tag kink community together. Be a role model and solution-bringer, not part of The Proverbial Problem.

3. Create bandwidth in your life.

Most spankos need in-person connection on a somewhat frequent basis to foster long-term closeness. If you’re only available to hang once every six months, it’ll be tough to form a fulfilling bond. You have to be willing to prioritize those you play with if strong partnerships are important to you. Set aside time in your schedule and the energy to spank at least once a month, if not more often. Be available.

4. Negotiate desires and boundaries together.

We cannot make assumptions about what new partners will be kewl with during playtime. You may have certain desires stemming from your bread-and-butter fantasies, thinking all spankos like those things, only to meet a rude awakening. (I once played with a dude who assumed I was into condescending baby talk and wanted to punch him in the throat about two minutes in.) It is prudent to be curious rather than making assumptions. Ask questions, listen closely, and observe what is desired. 

5. Separate the person from your fantasies. 

Fantasies are the central feature of a spanking fetish. Many of us have spent our whole lives imagining kinky scenarios that privately tickle our fancy. Tall, dark, mysterious, brooding men ready to show us who’s in charge. Sassy, bratty lasses daring us to make them obey. Strict, frightening schoolmarms with no patience for our impertinence. These archetypes are exciting, but real people can’t embody them fully. Your partners will be real and unique. See them for who they are.

6. Get to know each other slowly.

It’s tempting to presume closeness with new play partners immediately, but this is a risky mistake. It takes time to discover each other bit by bit. Resist the urge to act as if you’re thick as thieves when you’ve only just met. False intimacy is often overwhelming and can lead to choices that cross boundaries, like playing hard or having sex before trust has truly been built. You can always move forward while trying new things together, but can never take back moves that were made too soon. Don’t rush.

7. Commit to aftercare post-play.

If you want your play partner to come back for more spanks, it’s essential to end all sessions on a caring and positive note. If you cover their butt in bruises and bounce without sharing cuddles, you risk leaving them in a vulnerable, dysregulated headspace that’s both exhausting and difficult to work through alone. Through aftercare, you can co-regulate your nervous systems while transitioning back to a restful state of emotional stability. Bonus points: send a text the next day to check in on how they’re doing. This reinforces the feeling that you’re not just there to use them during play, but to share authentic connection. 

8. Communicate in ways that create emotional safety.

Bad communication is deeply unsettling in play partnerships. I’ve had partners who weren’t willing to be consistent about contact or discuss anything other than superficial topics. I’m not into spanking for purposes of small talk; I do it to engage in a level of depth I can’t explore with most people and I suspect many spankos feel the same. Open communication can feel uncomfortable at times, but misunderstandings and snafus are bound to happen without it. Share your thoughts, feelings, and the reasoning behind them. Be curious about your partner’s thoughts and feelings in return.

9. Make unique memories together. 

Fresh adventures keep the partnership exciting and create moments that will characterize the specialness of your bond. You can spank in strange new places, have charmed interactions with strangers together, and take photos you’ll look upon fondly for years. Shared memories won’t just reinforce your connection as playmates, but as friends who like each other outside of playtime too. 

10. Laugh your pink, peachy asses off together.

Sometimes when people imagine concepts like DISCIPLINE and BDSM, they infer the vibe always has to be serious or hardcore. I’ve had intense, salacious connections with partners that were exciting during play, but not fun enough overall to survive the test of time. Our human hearts crave comfort, levity, and joy. Getting silly with your play partner will cement them in your mind as someone worth having in your life for the long run.

11. Take care of your mental health.

Our play partners can become great sources of support in our lives, but can’t fix our mental health issues for us. Few things will kill a promising connection faster than relying on your partner to keep you regulated. Stable spankos want functional partners who practice self-care. Spankos drawn to emotionally unwell partners, by contrast, tend to be unwell themselves. (I say this from experience, not to shit on anyone struggling.) Predators in the scene hunt for partners low on self-esteem who lack strong boundaries and feel an intense need for someone to save them from their unhappiness. We must care for our mental health if we’re to protect ourselves. If you want a healthy partnership, but struggle to feel okay, get help before you seek out other spankos. Find a therapist, support group, and resources that aid psychological healing. With clarity, firm boundaries, and a solid sense of self-love, you’ll be able to maintain healthy closeness and avoid abusive relationships. It can be done!

12. Hold space for vulnerability. 

For spanking fetishists in particular, smacking butts is an incredibly intimate activity. The combination of pain, power exchange, long-term obsession, and a number of other factors can make us feel exposed in ways nothing else does. This leaves us all vulnerable in the presence of our play partners, and we need capacity to hold space for this vulnerability if we’re to stay connected. If your partner’s vulnerability—their soft points, weaknesses, and deepest fears—makes you uncomfortable, continuing the relationship will become painfully difficult. We’re not gods, just mere mortals riddled with human “flaws,” but that’s what makes us interesting. Find room in your heart for your partner’s inner child.

Follow these tips and watch your partnerships flourish year by year like the emerald grasses of the prairie across the plains of the Midwest! I believe in you, cherished spanky warrior.

-T