Are you looking for someone stern to spank your butt AND help you succeed? One willing to hold you accountable and provide comeuppance when you’re veering off course? I know the feeling. Many spankos share this dream, but finding the right person for the job can be surprisingly difficult. 

Effective spanko disciplinarians help consenting adults like myself change behaviors we’re not proud of. I’ve encountered lots of tops who were eager to dole out punishments, but few who possessed the traits needed to sustain the dynamic long-term. Here are 12 traits to look out for as you search.

1. Great disciplinarians take care of themselves.

It may seem like a simple job, but being a disciplinarian is hard work! A top who’s burned out, stretched thin, ignoring their health, or struggling to function in some way will have trouble focusing on someone else’s needs. The “put your mask on first before helping others with theirs” that we all hear on airplanes applies here. Seek disciplinarians who balance duty with self-care.   

2. Great disciplinarians are safe people.

This may seem like an obvious requirement, but the kink scene attracts a non-negligible amount of predatory psychos, so it’s unfortunately worth mentioning. Spankers who behave in abusive, reckless, pushy, sketchy, and/or unpredictable ways are not fit for this role. Trust is absolutely crucial in a discipline dynamic (any intimate dynamic!) and can only be built if both participants come to the table with benevolent intentions. Anything else is a non-starter. Back away from kinksters who brandish red flags.   

3. Great disciplinarians are emotionally available. 

Our relationship to our vices is an emotional one first and foremost. We procrastinate because taking action feels spiritually painful. We sleep in because jumping out of bed feels too jarring. We scroll social media because its parade of dopamine micro-hits keeps us zombified. We are comfort-zone addicts—even the masochists among us. Great disciplinarians know this and make themselves available to support us hooligans through our emotional discomfort. Emotionally unavailable people don’t have the bandwidth to take a process like this seriously. 

4. Great disciplinarians are responsible. 

It feels silly to submit to a disciplinarian who doesn’t have their own shit together. How can they tell you to be on time if they’re always late? How can they chastise you for bad language if they swear like a sailor? The hypocrisy of it all! Great disciplinarians walk the talk by modeling good behavior. They inspire us naughty rascals to change our ways through effort and accountability.

5. Great disciplinarians are consistent.

This may be the most challenging qualification of the job. Discipline is at risk of disappearing when it’s only enforced sporadically. We spankees misbehave or slack off, no one notices or corrects us, and the guardrails around our goals evaporate. Discipline isn’t a one-time affair, but something we must practice on a regular basis. Your spanker doesn't have to spank every day (though that certainly would be dreamy), but should be willing and able to show up for you consistently.

6. Great disciplinarians are observant. 

To correct undesirable behavior, a disciplinarian must notice things are not as they should be. This requires keen observation skills. Spankers who are spaced out or easily distracted have trouble keeping tabs on their charges. Observant ones, however, pick up on the behavioral struggles of their spankees quickly—a highly attractive trait. 

7. Great disciplinarians are communicative. 

People who view communication as a chore aren’t fit for a job like this because dynamics of this sort require frequent check-ins. Did you make it to the gym? Did you get up on time? Did you get your car to the shop yet? Were you able to finish your homework? Whatever your goals may be, your disciplinarian must be able to ask about your progress and discuss ideas for improvement. 

8. Great disciplinarians are mature.

Disciplinarians are adults aiming to help other adults manage tasks related to adulting more effectively. Childish behavior on their part destroys the whole equation. Picture a handful of the most immature adults you know. They throw fits, make unreasonable demands, sulk, whine, focus solely on their own desires, and refuse to take accountability when they hurt others. You won’t be able to rely on such people to guide you toward more functional ways of living.

9. Great disciplinarians are encouraging. 

At times, you will fail to meet your goals. That’s okay! We’re not machines and cannot perform on par at all times. Your disciplinarian should understand this and encourage you to believe in yourself, even when punishment is impending. They should help you feel hopeful and confident that you can succeed in the future, not tear you down or destroy your faith in yourself. You can do it!

10. Great disciplinarians are curious.

Your accountability partner should be eager to know your goals and hear why you have trouble accomplishing them. They should ask questions, listen to your thoughts, and get a sense of what makes you tick over time. This curiosity will help them figure out your patterns and guide you toward better habits. If they’re not trying to get to know you on a deep level, you may not get much out of the experience.   

11. Great disciplinarians are compassionate.

Whoever spanks your butt should care about you! (Read that twice; it’s important.) They should be able to empathize with you and imagine the struggles you experience by putting themselves in your shoes. When you’re going through a hard time, expect them to show concern. They aren’t there to be your therapist or solve your problems for you, but if you sense callousness rather than compassion, run far far away. 

12. Great disciplinarians are forgiving.  

Can you imagine how silly it would be for a spanker to hold a grudge? “You didn’t complete your tasks last week. Now I’m mad at you forever.” Truthfully, real anger is a red flag when it comes to all this kinky BDSM stuff. If your disciplinarian takes your misbehavior personally, your dynamic may not be healthy or sustainable. Discipline isn’t always fun, but it should be fulfilling and bring you closer together. 

As I said, it's a hard job to do well! With great power comes great responsibility. And while these traits are important, no disciplinarian can perform them perfectly at all times. This post is simply a guide to help you both find your way together. 

If you do manage to craft an excellent spanky dynamic that’s full of spicy moments and real accountability, I applaud you! That’s a magical feat to accomplish. Don’t forget to let your disciplinarian know how grateful you are for their help. Let them know they’re special to you and that their efforts are never taken for granted. 

-T