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There’s No Crying in Baseball (But There Is Lots of Spanking)

As a baseball fan, it truly astounds me that people don’t talk about this more. The quote-unquote “pats” sporty types exchange with their teammates during games. How are we all just walking around in everyday society while these strapping, sexy athletes mini-spank each other constantly? 


And I am calling them out. Because I’m sorry, but in a world where men are shamed for even thinking about anything remotely homoerotic, you’d think those fanny pats would be a much bigger deal. They certainly tickle my spanko sensibilities. 

“It’s not like they’re spanking each other for real though, T.”

UM, are you sure?? It may not be outright OTK action, but it’s close enough for me. Can you imagine all your co-workers engaging in butt smackage at your job? Where else on God’s green earth is that a thing? And how would you ever concentrate? I’d be horny as the dickens and terribly distracted. When’s the next one coming? Who will deliver it? WHO?? 

Unlike in many areas of Spanko Land, fanny pats are exchanged when sporty folk do a good job, not a bad one. It’s an ATTA BOY reward rather than a punishment. A one-handed round of applause. Is that not fucking beautiful? Don’t you want to know how much pride beams within them when they feel that firm swat square on the butt from their coach? Right out in the open in front of everyone? MILLIONS of people!

They broadcast this salacious madness on the telly!

It’s like they get to live on the Spanko Island of our dreams and we don’t.

You know the one I’m talking about. Our collective imaginary fantasy of a sovereign haven where we spankos can swat to our hearts’ content, in public AND private, free of judgment. The jocks are on OUR island! “It’s just the culture!” claim the vanillas.


Can you imagine what happens in those locker rooms when a team wins a game? Why, I bet those muscly motherfuckers strip down to nothing and rush to grab paddles off the wall, then yank each other over naked laps to dole out congratulatory funishments until each and every one of their tight round cheeks glows a hearty shade of red. I bet they grit their teeth and admonish each other to send a fortent message about the goddamn great job they did out on the field. 

“That (SMACK) grand (SMACK) slam (SMACK) was (SMACK) MASTERFUL!!”

Then they touch dick tips and kiss. 😳

You KNOW it’s true!

Outside the locker room, however, I have observed and read that there is etiquette to follow in order for mini-spanks to be jock-culture acceptable.

  • You are limited to ONE spank only, on ONE cheek, per person! Any more than that and we would all have to confront the truth of the matter, which is that these rabid hotties are all not-so-secret spankos who have built at least one Spanko Island in every major city and that is a LOT to process. 

  • NO squeezing! Feeling firm-but-jiggly flesh pinched between two fingers must be saved for the hush-hush locker room paddlings. Contain yourselves!

  • Act like NOTHING is happening. Be entirely nonchalant. Do not make a thing of these very public spankings or speak of them out loud. There is masculinity at stake. Spank and jog on, pal.

  • NO eye contact! That is too romantic and would result in an instant homoflavorful orgy before anyone could even comprehend what just happened. Again, save it for the passionate locker room kisses between the E.T.-phone-home-esque touching of dick tips.

“But what if the players don’t like it?”

I have often wondered about this. We live in a post-#MeToo world full of people on their Ps and Qs, lest anyone be canceled for sexual harassments. As it turns out, at least one baseball dude spoke up back in 2021 to say “Don’t fucking touch me.” Apparently pitcher Max Scherzer from the Dodgers had had quite enough of his consent being assumed and put a stop to that shit real quick. 

I, for one, am proud of him. Spankings are for people who want to be spanked.

While we spankos all know the true reason these athletes engage in these ass-oriented shenanigans, science people have cooked up smart-ish-sounding mumbo jumbo to distract everyone from what we clearly see taking place before our eyes. Michael Kraus, a doctor of psychology and professor at Yale’s School of Management, did a study on how touch between teammates impacts the performance of basketball players on the court. 

"Tactile communication, or physical touch, promotes cooperation between people, communicates distinct emotions, soothes in times of stress and is used to make inferences of warmth and trust," he wrote in his introduction to his research. (Tell us something we don’t know!) "Based on this conceptual analysis, we predicted that in group competition, physical touch would predict increases in both individual and group performance."

Apparently, his results showed the more affectionate teams were usually the most efficient. All these sexy swats lead to more wins and again, no surprises there. 

Anyway, now you know what’s actually going on here. The vanillas will insist I’m making this all up but the truth is undeniable. Sports are all a big silly excuse for the bro-on-bro spankings the world wants to see. 



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