The Naughty List: The Only Sensible Position

From the Bodleian Libraries of Oxford University

All this talk of “naughty or nice” in spanko land around the holidays is superfluous. When people say “nice,” what they mean is obedient and to that I say: what’s in it for me, pal?

I mean, whose rules are we talking about here anyway? Santa’s? Have you seen that scraggly man? Dude lives on frigid sea ice in 24-hour darkness with a gang of sketchy elves. No neighbors. No oversight! I’m not following rules from some Arctic bum. 

The government’s rules, you say? Bro, I don’t accept criticism from mobsters who can’t even follow their OWN fucking rules. True disciplinarians walk the talk and it’s pretty clear The Man has no interest in that. BIG ol’ red flag right there.

You’re probably thinking, “You should follow the rules of whoever spanks you.” 

I mean, sometimes, I guess... 

In theory... 

But nahhhhh, not enough to land myself on some list that labels me “nice.” I can’t have that man getting comfortable. As if! We gotta keep these spankers on their toes to make sure they’re paying attention.

Here’s the truth of the matter and one of history’s loudest lessons:

"Well-behaved women seldom make history."

—Pulitzer Prize-winning historian and badass Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Who wants to fade into obscurity on some silly list that says, “I’ve never rocked the boat in my life because some wet blanket told me I shouldn’t”? NOT THIS BITCH.

We have a long history in this country of honoring rebels who told The Man to SHOVE IT and by golly, we brats sure ain’t packing up shop now. Peter Fonda said it best playing the role of biker Heavenly Blues in the 1966 film The Wild Angels.

“We want to be FREE!

We want to be free to do what we want to do. 

We want to be free to ride our machines without being hassled by The Man.

And we want to get loaded. 

And we want to have a good time. 

...And that’s what we’re gonna do.

We’re gonna have a good time. 

We’re gonna have a PARTY.”

THAT is America! And central to brat philosophy. Authority only works when it’s earned and enjoyed. Otherwise we riot with our round asses out.

What other choice do we even have at this point? When society is falling apart like Ben Affleck and JLo giving that tattered romance yet another college try, defiance is a sign of some MUCH needed critical thinking. This world needs rebels more than ever.

So put me on your Naughty List of ne’er-do-wells and rascals. Call me a varmint and do your darndest to spank it out of me, I dare ya. I ain’t namin’ no names. I’ll use that coal in my stocking to burn that whole list to ash. Hallelujah!

So happy holidays, spankos. Go start some goddamn chaos, list be damned. This is YOUR party now.

-T