So Your Partner Has a Spanking Fetish

Illustration by Georges Topfer

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably discovered the person you fancy is into spanking, and not just casually. A fetish isn’t an “I can take it or leave it” thing for those who have one. Spanking is likely a salient theme in your partner’s erotic imagination. If you're the apple of their eye, they’ll want to share this with you.

You may be wondering what it’s like for your partner to have this fetish—or worrying it could affect your compatibility. That’s valid. A fetish can have serious implications for a relationship when the desire isn’t shared mutually.

All is not lost, however! Many couples in this position manage to make it work. I can’t speak for your partner, but I can share patterns I’ve noticed in myself and other spankos. Here’s the lowdown to help you get a sense of the factors at play.

It’s probably hard for your partner to talk about their fetish.

Spankos don’t tend to feel comfortable discussing our desires with non-spankos. Many of us carry shame at certain points in our lives over the fact that we're different. We fear romantic partners will judge us, laugh at our fantasies, or think we’re crazy for liking what we like. If your partner has opened up to you about their fetish, it likely took a lot of courage to do so.

For them, spanking may function like a sexual orientation.

For most people, intercourse lies at the heart of their sexuality. Their fantasies and desires revolve around that point. Activities like spanking are viewed more as foreplay, like appetizers before the main course.

For people with this fetish, spanking is a main course. It’s just as intense and fulfilling as sex, if not more so. What this all means is that your partner probably isn’t thinking about it in quite the same way you’re imagining. You may enjoy a playful swat or two, but they’re likely yearning to indulge in more depth.

They think about spanking daily. 

If your partner has a spanking fetish, it’s safe to assume they think about it multiple times a day. When you see a nice butt out in the wild, you might think of sex; they’re thinking about pulling pants down and painting cheeks pink. Hearing words like “naughty” or “punishment” can trigger those animalistic desires as well. It’s an ever-present itch we crave to scratch.

They didn’t choose this. 

People with fetishes (also called paraphilias) don’t consciously choose what gets them off. Fetishes are imprinted on the subconscious mind, often at a young age, during charged emotional experiences. As we grow, those associations resurface as intrusive thoughts or persistent fantasies. We don’t will them into being; they simply pop up... frequently!

It’s not going away.

In theory, a spanko could try to “de-wire” the connection in their brain between spanking and pleasure. In practice, I imagine that would be about as effective as trying to turn a gay person straight. Emotional imprints formed during early development aren’t easily reprogrammed. While your partner may be open to exploring other activities, spanking will likely remain their bread and butter. A fetish isn’t a phase.

The psychological component matters.

This fetish isn’t just about physical sensations. The carnal aspects are key, but the real draw is psychological satisfaction. Spanking brings many of us to our “happy place” and helps us relax. It can feel grounding, relieving—even spiritual. The details that draw your partner to their fetish are deeply emotional on their end.

It’s more of a need than a want. 

When spankos can’t spank, we feel like something fundamental is missing from our lives. Our subconscious mind urges us to find an outlet for our desires. Life can feel quite empty when we have no one safe to play with, and by contrast, quite exciting when we do.

They need your acceptance for the relationship to work. 

Misunderstandings can be resolved, but shaming your partner will almost certainly kill your connection. I know several spankos who ultimately chose divorce after being judged harshly for having this fetish. Accepting, and ideally welcoming, this aspect of who they are can go a long way toward building intimacy. Even if your desires don’t fully align, your partner needs to feel seen and respected for who they are.   

They may be open to compromise.

You might worry you’ll have to do things you're not comfortable with to make your relationship work. “Do I really have to let them spank me every day?” Fortunately, many spankos are flexible and willing to negotiate. If you don’t like playing hard, they could spank you more softly. If you don’t want to participate at all, they could spank with someone else in a non-sexual context. (This is surprisingly common!) Communication and honesty can help you figure out a strategy that works for you both. 

It won't be fun for them unless it’s fun for you too.   

Hopefully you’re not reading this thinking, “Spanking isn’t my thing, but I can grin and bear it.” Please don’t! That approach would only hurt both of you. Ethical spankos don’t want to play with people who aren’t genuinely into it. (If your partner gets pushy or pressures you about it, that’s a big red flag.) Activities under the BDSM umbrella are only fun when everyone’s consenting enthusiastically. 

The very best thing you can do is talk with your partner about their fetish from a place of curiosity. Leave judgment at the door during these vulnerable conversations and look for points of connection. Ideally, your desires will overlap enough to form fertile ground for compromise and exploration. And if not, at least you’ll both know sooner than later. 

Best of luck to you and your spanko too!

-T