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Boobies and Butts Both Belong

So I’m a chick, you see, and having figured this out, the YouTube serves me ads for bras on a frequent basis. My TV is covered in beautiful women of all ages talking about their titties and for those five-minute blips, life perks up and feels a bit less fuckity. 

I relayed this bit of happiness to a friend and he challenged my swooning. “I thought you were an ass lady.”

I explained to him that I am a bisexual spanko and as such, being an ass lady is part of the contract, but I still love titties. 

“You can’t love both ass and titties 😡,” he told me. “It’s team One or The Other.”

Well I beg to differ and am here as a certified spanko to salute all the boobs of the universe and tell them THEY MATTER, including my own.

Dear Titties,

You are beautiful and round like the cheeks of a bum decorated with nips, and oh so jigglypuff. You appear out of nowhere early on in our Lady Journey and while this event draws pervy attention from skeeves, it’s so nice to have you here. When I was in middle school, girlfriends and I would compare each other’s boobs to fruit. Peaches, plums, apples, grapes, kiwis. We could all agree that regardless of size, each pair gifted the earth with a unique and welcomed presence. There is something so right about boobies.

Each year for Christmas, I ask Santa Claus to shrink me down to hamster size and grant me a long nap snuggled betwixt Mariah Carey’s glorious tits. Mariah, if you’re reading this, I’m terribly sorry to objectify you and assure you I adore your talent and personality above all else. Daydream was my first CD. I’ve read your memoir and cried for your struggles, you brave queen. I would not say these deviant things to your face. The internet has made me bold and this is my tiny, quiet corner where I shout silly, sexy things. I’m sorry. 

(Not tooooooooo sorry though.)

(Because what could be better than a Christmas nap cuddled up in the warm Cleavage Village of a diva?)

One time when I lived in Japan, a boyfriend told me he read that people like butts because they remind us of titties, our first source of food. I don’t believe this theory, but the human love of all things round and bouncy is certainly undeniable. I love both pairs with a passion. The downstairs AND the up. I do. Why should I have to choose when abundance surrounds and envelops my soul?

I refuse. Wouldn't be prudent.

So titties, you both have a seat at my table. The same seats as those sat upon by the blushing lower cheeks I so adore. Never shall I leave you behind… nor could I if I tried… for you lead the way forward in all our affairs. 



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