CW: Talk of sexual abuse and the behavior of evil people. 

Things have gotten pretty fuckin’ real here in the ol’ US of A lately. Everyone I know is trying to wrap their head around the fact that (surprise!) we really are ruled by a cabal of satanic sexual predators. Your craziest conspiracy-loving pothead friend from college was right; things are far worse than we ever could have imagined. 

For survivors of sexual abuse, this revelation has been gut wrenching, though not entirely shocking. That’s because predators behave according to patterns we learn to recognize over time. While these vampires are everywhere, I picked up most of my first-hand knowledge of their evil ways while dating and playing within the kink scene. Below I share 15 things I’ve learned so you can identify and avoid them.

1. Most predators are opportunists.

When I was a kid, we were given the impression that dangerous people attacked their victims out of nowhere. They hid in dark alleys and preyed upon random passersby. “Don’t talk to strangers,” they told us. 

Vampires like this exist, but the majority of predators are people known to their victims. According to the National Institute of Justice, 85 to 90 percent of sexual assaults reported by college women are perpetrated by someone known to the victim; about half occur on a date. The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) reports that 93% of victims under 18 know their abuser. These evil assholes want easy access to their targets and plausible deniability. “We were dating at the time. She gave her consent.” 

2. Predators will say anything to justify their actions.

They know what they’re doing is wrong, but come up with warped narratives to convince themselves and others that their harm is harmless, or that the victim wanted it. They pervert reality to suit their perversions by painting a picture of a moral gray area. 

Donald Trump, during the 2022 deposition of the E. Jean Carroll rape case—after which he was found guilty—testified that she told him “rape was sexy.” The father of rapist Brock Turner, convicted of sexual assault in 2016, infamously argued his demonic son’s life should not be ruined over “20 minutes of action.” Harvey Weinstein claimed his crimes of rape and sexual assault were consensual and portrayed his victims as willing participants who later regretted their relationships with him.

Time and again, I’ve heard shitty people in the kink scene speak in similar ways. These demented freaks aren’t just sick in the head—they want us to be sick in the head too and will say anything to plant that seed in our brains. Their words are poison. 

3. Predators are the nicest people you’ll ever meet—at first.

Their false kindness is typically referred to these days as “love bombing.” They mirror your needs and treat you like royalty to convince you they’re safe people. If they didn’t, you’d never agree to be alone in a room with them. Once their mask slips and you get pissed off, all that kindness evaporates and you’re left with a different person: the monster they actually are. 

Every man in the kink scene who ever took advantage of me knew I was looking for a committed relationship at the time and promised me the moon. They gave me all their attention, showered me with compliments, and agreed with almost everything I said. Don’t trust people who do this. They want something from you that you’re not likely to give if they’re honest about who they are. 

4. Predators are charismatic.

People love being around these assholes because on the surface, they seem like the most confident people you’ll ever meet. They’re all about having fun and creating opportunities for good times. They’re not bothered by internal shame, insecurity, or the horrors of the world like normal people. Somehow, they seem enlightened. 

The truth is that these people are psychologically disturbed and their capacity for empathy is deeply impaired. This is why they don’t give a shit about any of the awful things happening around them. Get to know them, though, and you will realize the “good times only” act is a ruse designed to mask the darkness inside them. Which brings me to my next point…

5. Predators all have sob stories. 

They were abused as children, dumped by a cruel ex, bullied in school, or born into harsh circumstances. Don’t get me wrong, those are all gut-wrenching situations and those stories very well may be true. The problem isn’t that these people were harmed in the past, it’s that they use that harm to excuse their own harm toward other people. 

Empathy is a great thing and the world needs more of it, but that’s not a reason to enable shitty people who exploit others. Anyone who’s mistreating you while appealing to your empathy in order to get you to stay is bad news. 

6. Predators only meet the needs of others to boost their own ego.

These people might, for instance, make you cum a dozen times—not because they care about your pleasure, but because it makes them feel like impressive porn stars. They’ll tell you whatever you want to hear and buy you nice gifts, not because they like you, but to keep you around so they can get their jollies taking advantage of you. 

A predator will only meet your needs in order to get their own needs met. Once they have, you’re likely to be discarded. They’ll leave your place right after sex or kick you out of theirs. They’ll ghost you with no regard for your feelings regardless of anything they said up to that point because, simply put, they’ve gotten what they wanted from you. They are full of selfishness and void of integrity.   

7. Predators hop from partner to partner. 

You’ll notice these people don’t keep intimate connections for long. “I have fallen in love,” they proclaim, only to disappear a few weeks later after they create conflict and piss off their object of attraction. Then they hop back into singlehood and go through the whole song and dance with someone new. 

The result of their behavior is a slew of enemies. If you meet someone in the kink scene who seems perfectly lovely but has a shit reputation, you may simply be the next victim on the chopping block. Great people in the scene have long-term connections with friends and partners who will gladly vouch for them. 

8. Predators skip important conversations. 

Desires? Boundaries? Safewords? Most of these assholes don’t want to talk about those things. Serious conversations designed to prevent harm are a downer for people who aren’t interested in keeping things fair. You may find yourself thinking, “Why is this person acting like they have consent to spank me when we haven’t even discussed it yet?” That is by design; they’re hoping you’ll be too polite to interrupt their agenda. 

One caveat here: experienced predators may talk a TON about consent because they know doing so will paint them in a positive light. They may go on and on in their profile write-ups online about their importance of playing safely, then pull the ol’ switcheroo in private. The important thing here is to trust your gut; does it seem like a performance when they talk about consent? Are they making a big show of it to impress you?

9. Predators move fast.

They will want to meet up, play, have sex, and possibly try to secure your commitment to them as quickly as possible. Predators aren’t keen on building a romantic “slow burn.” Instead, they want their needs met ASAP, before you can suss out what kind of person they actually are. You’ll suddenly have them blowing up your phone, all day every day, asking to see you in person. 

You can easily test someone new to your life by making them wait. Tell them you like to take it slow. Tell them you want to chat and get to know them for a while before meeting in person. Tell them you don’t want to have sex until you’re sure you’re right for each other. Most predators will flee like bank robbers in response to words like those. 

10. Predators are all about “winning.”

Though they’re unlikely to ever say so, these are miserable people with voids where their hearts should be. They’re incapable of truly loving others because they do not love themselves either. Because of this, they are bullies; they lift themselves up by putting others down. Feeling superior to others—especially those they get intimate with—is their main source of dopamine. It’s a giant, farting cope. 

This obsession with winning and superiority makes predators incapable of working through conflict. They’re not looking to solve issues by sorting out differences or, god forbid, apologizing. They simply want problems to go away and will dismiss, avoid, and belittle anyone they have to in pursuit of escaping accountability for the problems they create.

11. Many predators have personality disorders.

At some point you’ll think, “What the fuck is wrong with this person? Is something off in their brain?” The answer is usually yes. Personality disorders like NPD, ASPD, and BPD impact people’s ability to empathize with others. This usually stems from developmental trauma that took place early in life. 

Psychologically healthy people do not feel the need to habitually exploit others. They meet their own needs for validation or figure out how to get those needs met without hurting people. If you notice a pattern of harm in someone close to you, it’s worth taking some time to read about psychology. It may just save your life. 

12. Predators will blame YOU for their shitty behavior. 

Confront these assholes about how they have lied to, used, and harmed you and they are likely to pull a DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender.

They will insist they didn’t do that thing, you imagined it, you are crazy, you’re too sensitive, you are the one being mean to them, blar blar blar blar blar. Copious bullshit. They say whatever they must to convince you you’re the problem so they don’t have to fix themselves. Again, there’s no accountability to be found anywhere in their vicinity and this is unlikely to change. 

I highly recommend giving up on these people ASAP. Block their number and protect your peace at all costs. Our system of “justice” is largely built to protect predators rather than their victims. This is why it’s crucial for good people to speak out about injustices that happen behind closed doors and uphold the moral code we wish to see. 

Stay safe out there, lovely spankos!

-T