Anomancy: The Hidden Art of Butthole Divination

The Obscene Kiss by Francesco Maria Guazzo

As a California pseudo-hippie with a probing interest in the mysteries of the universe, I’m no stranger to the ancient practice of spiritual divination. Think tarot cards, palm readings, and scrying with crystal balls. Through these mediums, we channel supernatural forces to seek knowledge of the future or answers to life's deepest questions.

But what I didn’t know, even as a certified spanko, is that some people do this with buttholes.   

You read that right! In fact, author Zhuang Yunfei wrote an entire book on the subject. Behold, Anomancy: A treatise on the reading of the folds and wrinkles of the anus, originally published in 1945 and translated to English in 2019.

This post is a mini book report for any of you feeling as sucked in by this premise as I was.

The Theory Behind Anomancy

Chapter 1 of this esteemed piece of spiritual literature orients the reader to the basis of the practice:

“In anomancy, it is believed that the wrinkles and folds of the anus reflect the lived experiences and cosmic influences affecting the individual. These unique markings tell a personal story, revealing deep aspects of the personality, emotional state, relationships, and the future of the person being read. Variations in the texture of the anus are seen as symbols that can be interpreted by expert anomancers, who consider the anus a portal to hidden energies and life’s mysteries.”

It goes on to note that buttholes are one of the most sensitive and, by extension, energetically significant areas of the body, making it a potent focal point for esoteric interpretation. How ironic that a place where the sun don’t shine would provide such potential for spiritual illumination.

Experienced anomancers (who I’ve chosen to imagine as dedicated monks at temples nestled into the hills of China) consider buttholes to be maps of the soul. The folds and wrinkles aren’t random or without meaning; instead, “they result from a complex interaction between an individual’s vital energy and the universal forces.” Turns out big things do indeed come in small, tight packages.

It’s believed the deeper, more prominent folds correspond to significant life events like notable achievements, major decisions, and emotional traumas. Conversely, lighter and more superficial folds are associated with fleeting influences and past lessons learned. 

We can also read buttholes to gain knowledge about love and sexuality. The deeper folds may signify a stable emotional bond, while erratic folds may indicate infidelity or unrequited desires. 

You can even read buttholes for reflections on your career. Straight, uniform folds indicate a clear professional trajectory while irregular folds suggest career uncertainties. If you have yet to pinpoint your purpose in life, anomancy is likely for you. 

Preparation and Rituals for Anomancy Readings

The mental and physical states of both the reader and consultant play a crucial role in all butthole readings. A clean, tranquil environment, along with a properly purified space, are key to ensuring the accuracy of the interpretation. 

Anomancers are advised to prepare for these readings by engaging in light fasting, meditation, usage of quartz crystals, recitation of mantras, and smudging with white sage. Candles, pleasing aromas, and cleansed energy free of unwanted vibrations also contribute to an ideal environment. 

Anal Typologies and Their Meanings

As it turns out, anuses come in categories. The type you possess can reveal hidden aspects of your psyche and profound truths about your character.

The Spiral Anus

The spiral, a pattern witnessed throughout the natural world in grand galaxies and tiny seashells alike, can indicate the querent is trapped in a karmic loop or repeating similar experiences across multiple lifetimes. 

The Blooming Anus

This shape resembles the petals of a flower opening to the sun, serving as a symbol of abundance and readiness for emotional growth.

The Serpent’s Anus

Evoking images of stealth, cunning, and deception, this anal form is associated with imminent betrayal and manipulation.

Zigzag Folds

This irregular, dynamic arrangement symbolizes both instability and adaptability, suggesting a life marked by sudden changes and unforeseen events.

Advanced Techniques for Butthole Readings

Seasoned practitioners looking to delve deeper can harness methods utilized by longtime masters of anomancy. The “double reading technique” involves the simultaneous interpretation of both anal hemispheres. The idea here is that each side reflects complementary and sometimes contradictory aspects of the human experience. The right hemisphere mirrors emotion and intuition while the left reflects reason and logic. 

Advanced butthole readers are also urged to practice during both solar and lunar eclipses when the energies of the cosmos align in extraordinary ways. The usually subtle or hidden folds become more visible and defined, allowing the anus to speak with greater clarity. 

For those wishing to reach a higher portal of perception, the combination of crystals and candles is essential. They not only amplify the reader’s intuitive abilities, but also act as energy conductors, resulting in transcendence of the soul. 

The book concludes with sections documenting real cases of successful anomancy predictions carried out by the author, including the story of a jittery entrepreneur who left his reading with renewed energy and a clear vision for his business. 

There’s no telling what secrets may be revealed in YOUR reading, dear reader. All that’s left to do now is buy this legendary book, spread the cheeks just as surely as Moses parted the seas, and allow transformation to emerge from within.

-T