Many of us bratty types like provoking our tops into spanking us. It’s so fun watching steam come out of their ears as they decide we’ve crossed the line, which we very much do on purpose. Their faces get all serious and they tell us we’re gonna be sorry and personally, I cannot help but snicker in response. That shit’s hilarious. 

For bratting to be a sustainable part of a kinky dynamic, it must be fun for everyone involved. Some tops genuinely can’t stand bratty behavior of any kind and only wish to play with spankees who emit submissive vibes. We brats should not try to yank them into our world of sassy mischief, for they have not consented.

Other spanko tops, however, LOVE tussling with us brats and “forcing” consequences upon us. We must find ways to set them off without genuinely disrespecting them or hurting their feelings, for they are sensitive souls like the rest of us. They want to PLAY like we do, not endure endless abuse. We must keep them coming back for more so they can continue attempting to correct our defiant ways (which won’t work in the end, but we can let them dream). 

It helps to have appropriate brat ammo stored in your brain, so I’ve amassed 30 ideas below for your consideration.

Use common sense and knowledge of your partner’s mind while putting these tips to use. If one would likely land badly, eschew it. Aim for annoying impishness and witty resistance rather than mean bullying. Above all, don’t be a dick.  

1. Say “no.”

What better way to resist an “authority figure” than telling them NO when they want something? 

“Come here right now, young lady!”      

“No.”

“Get over my knee!”

“No.”

“Hold still while I spank you!”

“No.”

A simple but effective move. They HATE that shit. You’ll have them holding you down and teaching you a bare-bottomed lesson in no time. 

2. Make rude gestures. 

Sticking your tongue out at your spanker is a classically bratty show of defiance that’s sassy, but still playful. Quite childish indeed.

You could also pull down your pants and moon them 🌝 ! The abrupt display of one’s bare buttocks has been used as an act of protest, scorn, disrespect, and provocation since the Middle Ages. In 1995, students at Stanford University conducted a mass mooning to protest censorship in the media, sounding the call to patriots everywhere. What better way to goad a spanker into action than an unexpected face-to-rear meeting with the cheeks?

Flipping the bird is popular too 🖕🖕🖕, if your dynamic is spicy like that. You could even combine these three gestures into a brat trifecta of tongue, full moon, and middle fingers out all at once, pointed in their direction. Appalling!

And if you’re gonna go that far you may as well also…

3. Swear like a sailor. 

Spankers are real fucking sticklers about using respectful fucking language. They tend to get all fucking bent out of shape when you tell them what the fuck you actually want to say to them. Better to tell it like it fucking is so they know what’s up, if you ask me. 

4. Boo them.

I can’t think of anything funnier in this world than a crowd of people yelling “BOOOOO! 👎” to express collective displeasure. I love it so much that I wish we did it more.

Classic.

When the time comes to voice your protests to your spanker, channel your inner drunken sports fan and give them the business. BOOOO!! They’re not likely to appreciate it.

5. Repeat after them in a mocking tone.

How annoying was this when we were kids?

“Stop it.”

“Stop it 🤪.”

“I’m warning you.”

“I’m warning youuu 🥴.”

“You’re gonna get a spanking.”

“You’re gonna get spanking, nur nur nurrr 😤😤.”

No one can stand this. It’s immediately infuriating. The key is to continue without fear, like a horrid little parrot. Look them right in the eye and echo everything they say until they throw you over a knee and remind you where your manners are.

6. Hide their spanky implements.

I once had a play partner who would do this constantly. I couldn’t take my eyes off her for five seconds without her tossing my paddles in my laundry hamper and calling them “gross” once I’d located them. 

“You should take better care of your toys. Why do you store them there with your dirty underwear?”

Those shenanigans earned her many a red bottom in my home. I could not spank her enough for dissing my cherished collection. The fucking nerve!

7. Roll thy eyes. 🙄

So much can be conveyed through a well-timed eye-roll. Sarcasm. Disdain. Insubordination. “Yeah, whatever.” Tops who dig brats are looking for this behavior so they can set it straight in a pinch. Give them frequent opportunities to prove they’re paying attention. 

8. Pretend to doze off while they scold you.

Spankers really want you to listen while they’re rolling out lectures about behaving well and taking accountability and blah blah blah blah blah. BORING. 

Remember how the teachers talked in the old Charlie Brown cartoons? Wah wah wah wah wahhh. Imagine your top is talking like that and give a big yawn right in the middle of their speech.

“Are you listening, young lady?”

“Yes, sorry, of course. I hear you.”

Insist you’re paying attention, then let your eyelids droop and give a light snore once they continue. They will insist on waking you up to a fully alert state, perhaps with a swift paddling, to ensure you’re absorbing every word they say. 

9. Imply that they are weak.

I’ve seen brats online call their tops “Noodle Arms” with whappy little fluttering hands who could never even come close to accomplishing the task at hand. 

“No one knows how to give a good old-fashioned bare-bottom spanking anymore.”

Fortunately, this is false and tops who like brats will assert themselves to set the record straight. You’ll have them raining down blows on your quivering derriere with strong, scary hands in no time. 

10. Draw pictures of them looking silly. 

Remember doodling in class and getting caught by the teacher? You can recreate this moment by drawing a silly picture of your spanker in a position of foolishness. Perhaps you can portray them wearing a dunce hat or geeky glasses or a dorky expression on their face. Draw THEM with their pants down getting a spanking and crying about it. Turn the tables in your fine illustration so they are inspired to turn them back. 

11. Draw ON them while they’re sleeping. 

Remember also, in college, when people drank too much and their friends drew cock n’ balls all over them as they slept? You can do the same to your spanker once they’re all tuckered out from tanning your hide all night. They’ll awaken and see a face of dick doodles in the mirror and then get right back to reddening your rear the next day. How could you?!

This one is a bridge too far for some, so use caution and choose pens with washable ink for your artistic masterpieces. Even the most brat-loving spankers would resent having to go to work covered in permanent-marker dicks. 

12. Steal their french fries. 

“Can I have one?”

Only a cold tyrant would refuse this request from someone they hold near and dear. Once they grant you permission though, don’t stop at that first fry. Keep eating as if those fries were your own until your spanker rightfully puts a stop to your rabid thievery. Then ask if you can have a “bite” of their cheeseburger and stuff half of it in your mouth. 

When they ask, “Dude, what the fuck?” tell them with a full mouth that you were simply hungry and needed sustenance. This excuse will not suffice and they’ll be poised to deliver your comeuppance back at home after they’ve ordered and properly consumed an additional meal.

13. Start a poke war.

Getting poked is annoying, especially when it happens frequently. It’s even worse when you know it’ll happen when you least expect it because you can’t drop your guard, ever! Starting this silent war with your spanker will have them on their toes, conditioned to overpower you as soon as they see your finger coming their way. Wait until they’re lulled into a false sense of security while watching a film next to you, then poke them and shatter their peace. That’s definitely worthy of a spank.

Poke wars can go on eternally, so understand what you’re getting into here, especially if your spanker chooses to start poking back. I’m three years into a poke war with a friend that’s unlikely to end anytime soon and I have him right where I want him: paranoid that I could strike at anytime, anywhere we go. Poke! 🫵

14. Put cold feet on them in bed.

Once your spanker is toasty warm under the covers in a state of blissful relaxation, climb in with icy feet and use their skin to warm yours. It's rather jarring to have your precious heat stolen in the dead of winter when you’ve just gotten comfortable. They’ll try to push you away—don’t let them! Cling and make them endure it. They are your heater and insisting upon this will inspire them to heat you up another way. How better to fight off cold feet than delivering a warm bottom?

15. Run away!

After enough of your naughty shenanigans, your spanker will move to grab you, yank your pants down, and make you very sorry for everything you’ve done. Don’t make this easy for them. Flee! Make them chase you. Tire them out while pissing them off. Once they catch you, they’ll be both hopping mad and proud of their speediness. This keeps them fit and agile over time, like a ninja. 

16. Commandeer their things.

Your spanker will have various possessions they value and wish to keep to themselves. Press them on this matter with an arrogant sense of entitlement.

“This is my hoodie now.”

Refuse to give whatever you’ve stolen back and they’ll eventually be driven to punish you for this mighty crime. I once had a play partner borrow a jacket of mine and keep it for months despite my frequent demands for him to return it. By the time he sheepishly did, I was ready to whoop some ass. You, too, can inspire this frustration.  

17. Plant a fake spider somewhere.

Even the most macho tops are scared of spiders and you can leverage this fear to your advantage. Find one of those fake rubber spiders that looks real and plant it somewhere in their house. Watch them find it, freak out, and slowly realize what you have done in the name of earning a spanking. You may never sit again.

(I hope my play partner never reads this post but just in case he does: do NOT do this to me or I will make each day a nightmare! I'm serious!!)

18. Put googly eyes all over their stuff. 

If your spanker is foolish enough to leave you alone in an area of their home, get out a sheet of googly-eye stickers and stick them strategically around the room. They’ll eventually come across them, discover they’re being watched on all sides, and be forced to remove each little eye one by one so they can finally sleep at night again. Phew!

Washing their hair? Googly eyes! Opening a book? Googly eyes! Pulling out their ID? Googly eyes! There is no escape and they’ll soon realize YOU are the dastardly culprit. SPANKINGS.

19. Glitter.

This is even worse. It’s pretty much impossible to clean up every speck of a glitter bomb once it has exploded. If you’re feeling fully evil in the midst of your villain era, consider sending your spanker a love letter packed with a million tiny sparkles. They may make YOU clean it all up once they’ve spanked you, but at least you'll get to cackle about it beforehand. 

20. Prank call them like we did in the 90s.

This is much harder to accomplish now that we all have phones with caller ID, but I trust you can make it happen somehow. Call them from a phone that’s not yours and if they happen to pick up, put on a dorky voice and take them for a nostalgic middle-school ride. 

“Is your refrigerator running?”

“Uh, yeah…”

“Well you better go catch it! 🤓Mwahahah!”

You can also breathe into the phone like a creepy weirdo. 

“What are you wearing?”

“Uh… boxers. T-shirt. Socks…”

“I know. I can see you right now. Look out the window…”

They’ll know it’s you right away but they’ll also know you’re fucking with them and that is all that matters.

21. Block their way until they pay the toll.

At some point, your spanker will try to leave the room for some purpose or another. Stand before them and disallow them from leaving while holding out your hand like an internet scammer.

“Gotta pay the toll, Sir. That’ll be five bucks.”

Insist they give you money and they’ll quickly be triggered. We are all squeezed to the limit these days by financial leeches and cannot abide paying a cent more! You can even sing a song to reinforce your requirements.

Your top will either spank you or pay you and hope you let them pass. Either way, it’s a win. 

22. Fuck with their phone.

This one only works if you’re REALLY close and have express permission to enter their precious pocket computer behind their back. (Big violation of privacy otherwise.) Once you’re in there though, there’s much you can do to surprise and fluster them, like getting autocorrect to change every “yes” to “YEEHAW!” 

You can also change your name in their contact list to “Your Majesty” or “The Boss” or “Supreme Leader” or whatever you wish to be called. Something sassy and in charge, no doubt. 

You can also set their alarm to play a really annoying song you know they hate. They’ll hear it first thing in the morning and have it stuck in their head all day as they brood over fantasies of blistering your behind to pay you back for this injustice. 

I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie wooooooorld…  

Ugh! 🤬

23. Switch the salt and sugar labels.

This one’s pretty damn risky. If your spanker likes their coffee or tea with sugar, they’ll sit down in the morning expecting to enjoy a perfect cuppa and be met with the taste of salty sludge instead. Straight-up sabotage.

Be sure you’re around as you wait for them to discover this so they don’t make a whole recipe using the wrong ingredients. It would suck to spend three hours on a cake, only to discover all that work was for naught. ‘Tis a bratty bridge too far. 

24. Set all the clocks in their house ahead by 10 minutes. 

“Oh shit, it’s 7:50. I gotta leave for work.”

Your spanker will think they’re on time as they venture out into the world each day, only to discover they’re mysteriously early for everything all of a sudden. It may take them a few days to compare the accurate time on their phone to the incorrect time on the clocks in their house. 

Once it dawns on them, they’ll soon realize every clock is wrong. Drat, they’ve been had once more! It’s a goddamn conspiracy. A highly spankable offense.

25. Slightly unscrew the bulbs in their lights.

Ever hear of that 1944 movie Gaslight? Ingrid Bergman’s charming but shitty husband in the film slowly manipulates her into thinking she’s going mad by messing with the lights in the house. You can roleplay this terrible experience with your spanker by unscrewing the bulbs in their lights ever so slightly, causing them to flicker seemingly without reason. They’ll think something is wrong with the power until they screw one bulb in more tightly and discover it works just fine. They’ll eventually do the same with the rest of the lights too and hopefully realize what you have done in a demonic attempt to sabotage their sanity, resulting in the spanking of your LIFE.

26. Tell obvious white lies. 

“Who ate all the ice cream? There was a whole pint this morning!”

“Definitely not me,” you say, face conspicuously covered in chocolate.

“Where’d all these packages come from? We’re supposed to be saving money!”

“No idea,” you say, gleefully unboxing your pretty new shoes and trying them on.

“We had a pact! You watched that new episode without me!”

“No I didn’t,” you say, though Netflix clearly says WATCHED.

So many obvious ways to lie out there. Show your spanker the true depths of your audacity over time.

27. Tilt their picture frames.

If your spanker has pictures on the wall, tilt them ever so slightly when they’re not looking, forcing them to make adjustments. Do this frequently enough and they may catch on eventually. Just another silent plea for a spanking from your bratty bag of tricks. 

28. Replace their serious socks with silly ones.

Most people wear white, black, or navy-blue socks as they make their way through the world, for these are the colors of serious people who do adult things like pay taxes and sit through meetings that could've been emails. This is very boring though and your spanker may need help livening up.

Steal all their boring socks and replace them with fun ones so they’re forced to shed their uptight grownup ways, at least for a day. There are many excellent socks you can buy to add sparkle to their style, like ones with tacos and unicorns and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and pickles and sushi and prints of Nicholas Cage’s face. No one at the office will see these silly socks under their pant legs, but your spanker will know they’ve got clownfish hugging their ankles all day and that may be just enough to embarrass them into doling out revenge. 

29. Introduce them with snarky titles.

“Sarah, this is my chauffeur. He drives me everywhere. Isn't he cute?”

What other false titles can you use to introduce your spanker to friends and colleagues?

Hoodie buyer?

Fry server?

Foot warmer?

How very rude of you to strip them of their humanity and reduce them to a servant’s role in front of God and everyone! They’ll remember that, oh yes they will. Mark my words. Their smacky palms will itch with burning fury. 

30. Give them a swat.

Spankers who don’t switch don’t like being spanked. We shan’t violate their consent in any serious capacity, but doling out a quick SWAT as you walk by can shock them into disciplining you posthaste.

“Hey, that’s MY job!”

They will likely chase you down and deliver stingy consequences to be sure you are clear on who’s truly in charge. (The answer is you, but again, they don’t need to know that. Let them dream.)

31. Burn their whole house down. 

Just kidding. This only works if you’re the late Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopez of TLC fame in 1994 after a drunken argument over sneakers with your NFL boyfriend and even then, the price is too high. Spankings are wholly unlikely here, making arson a waste of your efforts. Don’t do it. 

You are now officially armed with a list of 30 bratty offenses. Go forth and see which get you the desirable results you seek while using enough caution not to ruin your spanky relationship. A fine balance indeed!

If you do happen to take things too far, apologize immediately and don’t let it happen again. Have conversations around consent, etc. etc. Lean into whichever strategies secretly delight your spanker, even as their face gets all red and the veins pop out of their forehead. You'll know when you see (and feel) it.

Have fun! 😈

-T