New Year’s is a time of reflection. As we enter 2026, I’ve been looking back on my spanko journey thus far. In the beginning, I struggled deeply with mental-health challenges related to this fetish and had trouble finding good people to play with. It wasn’t easy, but things have thankfully improved. If I could go back in time and chat with little Sweet Tea before she entered the kink community, here are 15 things I’d tell her.

1. The right partner won’t solve your problems.

Before you gain experience playing with real people, your relationship to your fetish will mostly exist in your head. It’s easy to imagine finding the right partner will fix your problems and make your life complete. You’ll get to play, share the type of intimacy you crave, and finally feel at peace—or so you think.

Though playing with great people is incredible, no one is equipped to save you from your problems. You’ll still need to pay bills, deal with difficult people, and continue the work of healing all that trauma you schlep around. Stop looking for a partner who can save you from life’s woes. Only you, little warrior, can fight that battle. 

2. You’re not crazy. 

My dear girl, you don’t have to worry incessantly that something’s wrong with you, feeling like an alien on the planet you call home. There’s no need to place others above yourself because you assume they’re “normal” and you are “crazy.” Fetishes are common. There are millions like you with sexualities rooted in complex feelings about power. Most just never talk about it. They don’t want to be judged.  

This all stemmed from your painful, confusing childhood. Your heart was hurt by those who were supposed to protect you, and you created stories about what that meant. You came to believe being controlled, hurt, and talked down to equated to being cared for. You had to believe you were “bad” somehow to keep your connection to unwell parents who needed a scapegoat for their dysfunction. This was an adaptation, not insanity.    

3. Lose your attraction to narcissistic people. 

Subconsciously, you believe someone “better” than you will make the best partner. Someone assertive, confident, and unshakeable like those self-proclaimed “dom” types, right? You think they’ll protect and challenge you. They look strong from the outside, as if emotional pain could never touch their hearts. This illusion suits their agenda.

Here’s the truth you’ll discover once you’ve dealt with enough narcs: they’re even more frightened than you are. The pain of life is SO painful for them that they avoid it at all costs, even if that means resisting reality by feigning infallibility. It’s a ruse. A fake, shiny performance. Authentic people who acknowledge painful truths are the bravest of all. Seek those who display empathy, who aren’t allergic to vulnerability. You’re not impressed by them at the moment, but after healing your trauma, you will be. 

4. The BDSM community doesn’t follow its own rules.

You will enter the scene expecting more accountability than you’ll find. People are supposed to care about consent. They should be respectful. They should not manipulate others. Doms are supposed to be adept, responsible leaders. Unfortunately, many kinksters are a shit show and you’ll be so excited to connect in the beginning that you’ll give some of those shady folks the benefit of the doubt. 

The community attracts all kinds of people, including ones who cause harm. Many are drawn to BDSM precisely because they think people like you (subby types) will put up with and admire them. When you shout that you’ve been wronged, you’ll be largely on your own. Even event organizers can be predatory. The best you can do is learn to recognize red flags and trust your gut when you feel you’re being mistreated. Vet like your life depends on it.  

5. You don’t need to be submissive. 

You’ll label yourself a “sub” for a while, thinking this will signal compatibility to “doms,” many of whom perceive “submission” as permission to treat you however they wish. (That’s not what you want.) After figuring this out, you’ll label yourself a “masochist.” There’s truth to that, of course, but the term will attract those who think, “She just wants me to hurt her.” That’s not the whole story either, is it?  

What you want are fellow spankos who understand the specific emotional experience you crave and the psychological comfort it creates. Fetishists with the ability to see you deeply. The best way to find them is to swim within your niche by calling yourself a “spankee.” Submission is not required; you can get your needs met without elevating others into positions of authority. 

6. You don’t need to be hardcore.

Some people will encourage you to play as hard as possible. They’ll praise you for enduring rough beatings and other masochistic activities. It’s nice to be admired and hard play can get you high, but don’t push yourself to impress others. Be soft if you want. Be sensitive. Be intimate. You are already “cool” without anyone’s approval.

Kinksters who use BDSM to compensate for insecurities often feel the need to take play to the extreme. They tell other tops to, “Spank her harder!” in the comments of photos and videos. It’s obnoxious and says more about them than you. Ignore those who expect you to dance for their favor. Social trophies ain’t worth a rat’s ass.  

7. People change in front of an audience.

In the beginning, you’ll do many sessions in front of others. Hundreds of strangers will watch you get tied, spanked, and whipped. You’ll play in groups and invite friends over for play parties. Over time, however, groups will lose their appeal and you’ll focus on 1-on-1 sessions instead. 

The resonance you want is most likely to occur behind closed doors with one other person. The moment you add an audience—even just a camera—both of you will feel the pull of distraction. You’ll be thinking about what you look like and feel pressure to perform. Fully tuning in is only possible when there’s privacy. 

8. Friendship is necessary for great partnerships.

You’ll meet plenty of people who will want to spank you, but most won’t align with your vibe. Anyone can smack your ass and still leave you feeling unsatisfied. What you want are spankos who truly care for your well-being. The quality of those relationships will determine whether you have fun. 

When you’re desperate to play, you’ll be willing to spank with partners you barely know, who go against your values, who make you feel uncomfortable. Settling in this way isn’t worth it though. Aim high, be patient, and work on yourself in the meantime. Good people will find you and they are worth the wait. 

9. Wait to play until trust is present.

There’s pressure in the scene to play immediately. People will speak to you as if they have consent to top you purely because you’re a spankee. You’ll meet other bottoms who can play with strangers at events and be perfectly happy. You’ll wonder why doing the same feels uncomfortable for you. 

It makes sense not to want anyone hitting you before you’re confident in your bond. Survival instincts drive that discomfort and exist for good reason. For you, it’s better to wait. Take your time before giving spankers access to your soul. Those who get it will gladly wait, just as you would gladly wait for those who interest you. 

10. People will try to use you.   

Some doms are attracted to BDSM because topping makes them feel powerful in ways they can’t access outside of kink. They’ll try to turn you into their fantasy rather than seeing you clearly. They’ll say anything for access to your round ass, even lie about loving you. This objectification will wound your soul and won’t just happen with kinksters, either. Vanillas who’ve seen spankees like you in porn will view you as a novelty. A thrilling box to check off.

That’s not what spanking means to you. It won’t lose its charm or make you feel dirty with the right people. You’ll eventually decide solely to play with fellow spankos who love the fetish as much as you do. No vanillas. No fuckboys.  

11. You won’t enjoy making all your fantasies real.

Before gaining experience, you’ll think your fantasies represent what you want and will seek them out with people who offer intensity. You’ll think you want a 24/7 dynamic where decisions are made for you, but it’s not true. The more experience you get, the less your fantasies will direct your life. You’ll find balance.  

Lots of your fantasies stem from childhood trauma. The wounded girl inside you wants someone to control her because she doesn’t think she’s smart enough to run her own life. She doesn’t think “adulting” is something she can handle. You’ll learn to comfort her and keep the extreme stories in your imagination where they can play out safely. 

12. BDSM is not a substitute for therapy. 

At a certain point, you’ll discover how to heal your mental health. (Yes, really! It’s great fucking news!) You’ll stop believing the warped thoughts you were conditioned to think about yourself and the world. You’ll stop trauma-dumping your endless emotional pain onto others. Kink will exist for its own sake, not as a solution to your sadness. 

Though you’ll find your way out of that darkness, some people you care for will remain stuck there. They’ll subconsciously want you to heal the hole in their soul until they realize the solution lies within themselves (if they ever do). You’ll play therapist for a while, but this will exhaust you eventually. Know this: it’s not your job. Codependency is unhealed behavior and “fixing” others is not a true expression of love. 

13. Be vocal about your boundaries, but don’t over-explain. 

People can’t read your mind. You’ll need to be explicit about your boundaries in the kink scene, even when it scares you. Practicing this skill will improve every area of your life. You’ll learn to protect your energy and channel anger into solutions. Kind people will listen and work with you through conflicts.  

While setting boundaries is necessary, over-explaining will drive you mad. Folks who respect you won’t need you to go into lawyer mode to argue your case. When you find yourself trying to convince someone to give a shit, stop and realize you’re wasting your own time. Some people just SUCK and won’t care about your feelings no matter what you say. There’s no point in crying over some douchey chud at any point, ever. Walk away, babe.  

14. People who can’t separate fantasy from reality are dangerous. 

You’ll meet people who want BDSM to be as “real” as possible, who lose sight of the fact that true power imbalances aren’t healthy in intimate relationships. They’ll chase ever greater dopamine highs to the detriment of everyone’s well-being. Some of them, including men you’ll date, will end up in trouble with the law over this.

Healthy people know their fantasies aren’t real. They know playtime is just PLAY and use the drug of BDSM in moderation. Back away from people looking to pull you into their drama so they can live out the extreme movies in their mind. You’re not a side character in anyone’s chosen reality. 

15. Aftercare isn’t optional.

You’ll want to seem tough at times, ashamed of needing cuddles and booty rubs after spankings. People will want to play casually and you’ll feel pressure to act like you don’t need mushy-gushy affection, but you do, my dear. It doesn’t have to be cheesy, but it does have to be real.

People who can’t give you cuddles have no business leaving bruises on your body. You’re not compatible with those types. Ask spankers how they feel about aftercare before you play. Tell them what you need. The way sessions end affects the tone of the whole experience. 

Long story short, little Sweet Tea, what you want is out there, but it won’t look how you think it should. The road to get there will be winding and dotted with dragons, but you’ll find your way eventually. Each lesson was meant to be. Keep going. 

And YOU, dear reader? What would you tell your younger spanko self?

-T