Finding great partners to spank with is one of the hardest things about this fetish. Plenty of people in the world will play with you if you ask them to, but not all of them are safe, respectful, or fun. Getting entangled with the wrong people can have serious consequences in the kink scene. We spankos must learn to identify and get our needs met with partners who are capable of maintaining healthy connections. 

Over the years, I’ve taken note of perspectives and behaviors that contribute to awesome spanking partnerships. The more of these green flags someone displays, the better of a match they’re likely to be.  

1. They know what empathy is and have plenty to spare.

Empathy is the ability to understand other people’s feelings, see things from their point of view, and imagine oneself in their shoes. People who can’t do this tend not to make great spanking partners, often because they’re too focused on their own inner world to make space for anyone else’s. They focus on getting their own emotional needs met, but lack the capacity to do the same for their partners.

An empathetic spanking partner will perceive and care about your emotional experience. Your happiness will lift them up and your sadness will concern them, even while they’re bruising your butt. 

2. Their interests and desires are compatible with yours. 

Spankos all love spanking, but each of us has different ideas about how we want to do it. Some of us like roleplay. Some want to keep sex entirely separate from their fetish. Some enjoy ageplay and want to feel little. Some are submissive. Some are into discipline. Some want to play hard. Some seek emotional intensity during sessions. These factors, among others, impact the compatibility level of a spanking partnership.

For example, if you’re thinking of spanking someone who needs to be beaten to tears to feel satisfied, but that is not your thing, they’re not right for you in the long run. Seek partners whose needs, desires, and boundaries complement your own. You don’t have to mesh perfectly, but there should be considerable overlap between what you both want to do. 

3. They share similar values. 

I could never enjoy getting spanked by a dude who views women as inferior beings. The same goes for people who think it’s fine to spank kids or to spew racist garbage. There wouldn’t be enough alignment between us to make any level of connection worth it. 

The people we allow to access our bodies and homes have quite a lot of power to impact our well-being. Trust is crucial in these relationships and it’s impossible to build it with partners who don’t share the values that matter most to us. Figure out your dealbreakers and keep those who display them out of your life. You’ll have more fun and feel more secure with partners who follow a similar moral compass.

4. They take safety, consent, and the risks of BDSM seriously. 

People unfamiliar with the ins and outs of spanking might think, “What’s the big deal? It’s just a bit of smacky smacky.” In truth, it’s far more and entails a non-negligible degree of personal risk. I’ve known spankees who sustained long-term injuries during play. I’ve known doms who said things like, “People make too big of a deal about consent” and left a long line of traumatized subs in their wake. I know people whose lives have been ruined by choices they made in the name of indulging their fetish. 

Great partners understand the seriousness of the risks we take. Consent is the main factor differentiating BDSM from abuse and ethical spankos do everything they can to avoid crossing that line. They also learn safety techniques associated with the activities they want to do and prioritize that knowledge in their partnerships. They’re able to have fun without throwing caution to the wind.

5. They compartmentalize their fantasies from reality. 

Spanking fantasies often revolve around the illusion of a power imbalance wherein the top has control or authority over the receiver. A considerable number of people attracted to the kink scene genuinely want that imbalance to be real and end up contributing to toxic relationship dynamics. 

To spank from a healthy place, partners need to engage from a real-world foundation of equality. Everyone involved must have the freedom, agency, and ability to grant or withdraw consent anytime. No matter how strict, mean, bratty, submissive, or dominant someone behaves during a session, they need to be able to switch off the fantasy and return to reality when necessary.

6. They have a positive or neutral reputation in the kink scene.    

The spanking community is a relatively small subculture of the BDSM world. Spend enough time chatting with others and you’ll get a sense of the reputations people hold. Spankos who mistreat their partners have trouble maintaining relationships and often end up embroiled in serious conflicts. 

Great spanking partners tend not to find themselves at the center of an endless series of drama tornadoes. Instead, they maintain long-term connections with a number of people who trust them and are willing to vouch for their awesomeness. A neutral reputation may not be a bad sign either, as some people are simply shy or introverted. 

7. They’re not concerned with popularity contests.

While one’s reputation matters in the kink scene, it’s not everything. In my view, the quality of our relationships with our partners is more important than being admired by our spanko acquaintances. I’ve seen people post intimate photos of their partners online without permission or make a big show of the fact that they play with certain people. I would much rather connect with down-to-earth spankos than those who obsess over how they’re perceived in the community. 

True fulfillment doesn’t stem from external validation, but from authentic connection with those we resonate with. Point your antenna at people who care more about the health of your dynamic than the number of likes they get on their pictures.

8. They respect your wishes about your privacy. 

Many spankos cannot be fully ‘out’ about their fetish. They may wish to keep their proclivities private, at least when they’re in public, at work, or with their families. Other spankos have no qualms with practicing kink openly or playing in front of others. We don’t necessarily need to align with our partners on this point, but we do need to adhere to whatever level of discretion they desire.

I once had a play partner who got an ego boost from telling our vanilla friends about the intimate kinky things we did together. I’m ‘out’ about my fetish, but still prefer to be the one who decides when my personal info is shared. Great partners will afford you this courtesy and protect your privacy. 

9. They’re patient, not pushy.

In a healthy spanking dynamic, there’s no need to push for anything to happen quickly. Both partners know that if all goes well, the relationship will unfold organically in its own time. People who feel the need to push are often uncomfortable sustaining long-term dynamics. They chase the elusive ‘something’ we all look for externally before we manage to find happiness internally. You will only play the part of that ‘something’ in their life until the dopamine rush you provide them wears off. After that, another ‘something’ will pop up on their horizon. 

Patience is an excellent sign in a play partner. It signals emotional stability, an ability to form secure attachments, and a lack of ulterior motives. I’m a huge fan of taking one’s time with new people and prospective partners who can’t handle that weed themselves out sooner than later.  

10. They’re either single or their partner is aware they’re playing with others.

Some people in the spanking community are there to cheat on their partners. They may be in a sexless marriage or have a vanilla spouse who’s not into their fetish. Some cheaters are honest about how they’re handling their situation, but many aren’t and will not want you knowing too much about them. 

Play with a cheater and you’ll always be a dirty secret. If they get caught, you may pick up enemies you didn’t even know existed. A spanko who is single or with a partner who approves of their flirtations will have nothing to hide. You won’t get the unsettling feeling that arises when you know little to nothing about a mysterious partner’s life.  

11. They’re excellent communicators.

Building trust and understanding within a kinky relationship is impossible without clear communication. I used to be terrible at this, let me tell you! I was too ashamed of my fetish to be straightforward about what I wanted and convinced myself the right partner would magically read my mind without me having to say a word. This predictably led to problems. Now I look back and feel sheepish.  

Great spanking partners are able to articulate what they want, what their boundaries are, and why they feel the ways they do. They also listen when their partners talk about themselves, their desires, and their own boundaries. The clarity achieved through direct communication helps everyone relax and bond without fear.

12. They’re honest.

Some people have trouble saying things like, “I love spanking you, but I don’t want to be in a committed relationship with you.” Instead they lie, ghost, manipulate, make empty promises, or string others along for however long they can get away with it. This results in hurt feelings and resentment. Their play partners get rightfully pissed when they realize they’ve been taken for a ride. 

We all follow consistent behavioral patterns, for the most part. If you witness a prospective spanking partner manipulating or lying to other people, they’ll probably do the same to you eventually. Likewise, it’s a great sign when you notice that person being honest with others, even when it feels difficult for them. They’ll be equipped to tell you the truth too, when the time comes. 

13. They’re reliable. 

People who are flakey can end up wasting our time, resulting in frustration. Imagine setting aside your one day off and getting all dolled up to play, only to have your partner cancel on short notice. If this happens frequently, it can deflate your confidence and have you second-guessing yourself in the context of a connection that’s already complicated enough. 

The best spanking buddies will be considerate enough to cancel in advance when possible, text back within a reasonable timeframe, and be consistent in how they treat you. This predictable reliability helps build trust and put everyone at ease.  

14. They’re emotionally mature. 

This one is a tad ironic, considering how many spankos explicitly enjoy indulging in immature behavior during sessions. Such immaturity is ideally compartmentalized from the real-world maturity that’s needed to keep these partnerships going. 

In sustainable spanko connections, both partners are able to understand and manage their own emotions. They know how to respond to challenges with self-awareness, take accountability for their actions, and learn from their experiences in ways that contribute to growth. Shit happens, of course, and no one is perfect, but a shared desire to keep the relationship healthy goes a long way. 

15. They can enjoy non-spanky moments with you. 

There’s nothing wrong with coming together to spank and then going your separate ways, if that’s what you and your partner want. Realistically though, most of us want to play with people we actually enjoy hanging out with, even when we’re not spanking. We want intimate connections that go beyond the confines of kink.

See if you can find spanking partners who also want to make dinner, watch movies in bed, and go on adventures together. Partners who are genuinely interested in your thoughts and can talk with you about anything. These non-spanky moments bring depth and authenticity to the dynamic, resulting in a bond that feels true. 

Spankos with these traits are likely to rock your world while making your cheeks blush up top and down below. Get out there, friend, and see if you can spot them in the wild!

-T