When you fall on the more masochistic end of the spectrum, it becomes apparent that some kinky sessions hurt more than others. One day, you’re zoning out during a spanking in a fluffy cloud of tranquility, able to take whatever’s dished out. The next, you’re squirming, fighting back, and running for your life, shocked by how sensitive you’ve suddenly become.

My fellow subby/switchy types, you’re not imagining things. Pain tolerance fluctuates from day to day, adding a layer of unpredictability to our play. A number of psychosomatic factors shape this phenomenon. Let’s nerd out on some science together, shall we? 🤓

1. Genetics

Scientists have long known our genes influence pain tolerance, but haven’t yet identified exactly how it works. It’s likely that many genes are involved simultaneously and interact with each other through complex biological networks.

For example, the SCN9A gene controls sodium channels that relay pain signals from our tissues to the central nervous system. Mutations in this gene can cause those channels to open too easily or make them unable to close, lowering our pain tolerance. Variants of the P2X7 gene, on the other hand, can boost inflammation and disrupt muscle contraction, raising pain tolerance in the process.

2. Hormones

In men, higher testosterone levels have consistently been linked to higher pain tolerance, likely by reducing inflammation and muting pain signals.

In women, natural shifts in our cycle can make a big difference. During the follicular phase, elevated estrogen tends to alleviate pain, affecting neurotransmitter activity and reducing inflammation. After ovulation, progesterone rises, heightening pain sensitivity through interactions with neuroendocrine pathways. Long story short, be nice while spanking ladies before shark week 🩸🦈 or we’ll throw you into the sea.

3. Arousal

The endorphins we feel during arousal are natural painkillers. When we’re turned on, we can handle much higher levels of intensity. One study showed sexual pleasure boosted women’s pain tolerance by nearly 37% during masturbation and orgasm.

This phenomenon also applies to adrenaline, which can dull pain temporarily, similar to endorphin surges during arousal or aftercare cuddles.

4. Stress

Some of us are wired with a more sensitive fight-or-flight response in our nervous system, flooding the body with cortisol and adrenaline as we struggle to endure whatever we’re dealing with. This stress decreases our pain threshold, making our discomfort feel louder. 

Regular stress-relief practices like exercise, meditation, and breathwork can calm the nervous system and raise tolerance over time. You know that point in a spanking where you give up and surrender? Your nervous system loves that moment. Don’t fight it.

5. Age

Studies show our pain threshold generally increases with age, meaning it takes a higher level of stimulation for us to first perceive pain. Pain tolerance, which refers to the maximum intensity of pain we can handle, hasn’t definitively been shown to change with age, though some studies suggest it may even decrease. The older we get, the less likely we are to want to play as hard, and that’s perfectly fine.

6. Empathy

Pain feels different depending on who’s delivering it. Research shows that when we believe our partner cares about us, our pain tolerance rises. Dopamine released during skin-to-skin touch acts as a natural analgesic—but only when their concern for our well-being feels genuine.

In BDSM, this means we can take harder spankings when we know our partner has our back. At the same time, empathy can make us more aware of pain because we feel safe enough to express it. Being with a caring partner gives us more freedom to notice and express our feelings without fear of abandonment. We’re more likely to feel safe whining about getting a spanking than we would with a partner with a colder heart. Go figure!

7. Expectation

Our past experiences influence how we expect pain to feel. If you touch a hot stove, for instance, your brain will tell you to brace yourself when it happens again and amplify the sensation. A good experience, however, wires us with the expectation that we can handle the pain. If you love getting spanked like I do, you may go into sessions believing they will be tolerable, lowering the intensity of the pain you feel as your brain dials it down. 

8. Agency

Pain feels worse when it’s unpredictable or unwanted. When we consent to experience pain, as we do in BDSM, we feel a sense of control over what’s happening to us. This helps to reduce the level of fear we feel. Our brain then interprets the pain as safe, lowering our perception of it and dampening our nervous system’s threat response. This sense of agency is one reason spanking in kink feels so different from nonconsensual punishment or violence.

9. Drugs

This one’s simple but straightforward, no? Leaders in the kink community often advise practitioners not to play intoxicated. One big reason for this is that drugs, including legal medications, can numb pain perception, making it easy to go past safe limits. As I say here often, I am not your mom and won’t tell you how to live. The point is, playing while fucked up is a risk that can lead to majorly negative outcomes. Con cuidado, amigos! 

10. Health conditions

Injuries like spinal cord damage and chronic diseases like diabetes that cause nerve damage can dramatically alter pain perception. Nerve damage can either increase sensitivity (neuropathic pain) or decrease it (numbness). When the nerves overreact, even mild touch can hurt. When they’re disconnected, pain signals might not reach the brain at all. Either way, it changes how we experience sensation during play.

11. Resilience

People with high psychological resilience have been shown to handle pain better. They interpret discomfort as manageable rather than threatening. Those with lower resilience tend to experience pain more severely. Strengthening resilience through therapy, mindfulness, or just learning to trust your body can make scenes feel more grounded and enjoyable.

12. Culture

Our cultural background can influence how we express pain and our beliefs about its meaning. Cultures that value stoicism can encourage suppression while others may be more encouraging of expressions of discomfort. In healthcare settings, this can cause providers to misinterpret a patient’s pain level based on their background. In kink, this can influence communication and consent. One partner might understate pain out of cultural habit. It’s a good reminder not to assume everyone’s “I’m fine” means the same thing.

13. Mental health

The areas of the brain that process emotion and pain are closely interconnected. Unpleasant emotions like anger and sadness can lower our threshold and tolerance, making pain feel more intense. This is especially true in the context of long-term mental health challenges like depression and anxiety. Conversely, positive moods can increase our threshold and tolerance. Psychological therapies that focus on boosting positive outlook have been shown to help with pain management. 

Whatever emotion you’re feeling as you go into a session can have a significant impact on how you experience pain as you play. If you’re already low or dysregulated, even light impact might feel overwhelming. It’s okay to tap out or postpone. 

14. Attention

Where attention goes, sensation grows. When we focus on pain, the brain’s pain-processing centers become more active. Placing our attention elsewhere, like on music or our breathing, activates ‘top-down modulation,’ which turns down the volume on pain signals. Distraction also lights up other networks of the brain, like those that process pleasure, which then compete with the pain-processing regions.

This is why spankees in subspace or athletes on a “runner’s high” often don’t feel pain until after the fact. This means we bottoms can choose to stay present with our pain to intensify it or intentionally zone out to transcend it.  

15. Fatigue

Our pain tolerance drops sharply when we’re tired or sleep-deprived, meaning the same physical sensation can feel much more intense than it would while we’re well rested. Sleep loss disrupts the regions of the brain responsible for pain-regulation, like the insula, thalamus, and prefrontal cortex, causing them to underperform. Inflammation levels rise simultaneously, which can sensitize our nerves, amplifying discomfort. 

When we’re exhausted, we’re likely to reach our physical limits sooner, struggle to relax, or have trouble getting into the euphoric headspace we love so much. Sessions that would normally feel fun when we’ve gotten enough sleep can feel overwhelming or unpleasant instead. Rest and recovery dramatically improve our pain tolerance and potential for enjoyment. Get those Zs!

Tops and bottoms alike benefit from keeping these factors in mind. No one’s pain tolerance is consistent from session to session. If your partner seems more sensitive one day, check in. See how they’re feeling and whether they’d like to dial back the intensity. Kinky spankings aren’t meant to be harmful or traumatic.

-T